I'm spending the best-looking years of my life covered in a ridiculous beard

I AM young. My skin, glowing with health, will never again look as good as it does now. In years to come, looking through photographs, I will be amazed at how handsome I was. 

But for some reason I have made the decision to spend these years – my entire 20s – with my face hidden behind a massive, stupid, fucking beard. 

Seriously, look at the size of this thing. If I were a fugitive from justice who’d spent six years living in the woods, it would be perfectly suited to conceal my identity from the law. 

I am no fugitive, but a man in his prime who has chosen to wear the facial hair of the Baader-Meinhof gang (2018 Ibiza club re-edit) simply because everyone else is doing it. 

And then of course there’s these glasses. There is no trace of darkness under my twinkling, youthful eyes. No creases mark their corners when I smile. But you’d never know that because of these ridiculous, thick-framed spectacles. 

It almost looks like I could remove the whole lot as one piece,, like Darth Vader’s mask but revealing not a scarred monster but a man in the springtime of his life. I could remove it all. But I don’t. 

Instead, when I show my children photographs of myself in years to come they will ask ‘Daddy, why did you spend your 20s cosplaying as Rasputin?’ And I will have no good answer.

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Another glorious sunny f**king Monday

THE UK has woken up to yet another glorious, sunny, complete waste of decent weather because it is a Monday. 

Across Britain, workers have gazed longingly at clear blue skies before entering the office where an eternity of grey ceiling tiles stretches out above them for the next eight hours. 

Whether children in school staring out at empty playgrounds, retail workers manning their tills on deserted high streets or warehouse employees looking longingly at shafts of golden light, the country has agreed that it is a mockery that should not be allowed. 

Legal secretary Susan Traherne said: “Just fucking look at it. 

“Hot, gorgeous, and who’s thronging the open-air swimming pools? Nobody at all because it’s a bloody Monday. Even the students have got exams. 

“Who does the admin on this weather? Because they are getting it wrong just again and again.

“All I’m saying it it’d better be sunny on Saturday. Oh no, I forgot, it’s the Royal Wedding so I need it to rain.”