Impromptu road trips, and other acts of spontaneous fun that are always a disaster

THINKING about having some carefree, spontaneous fun, just like in the movies? Try these activities and prepare for them to go tits-up. 

Sex outdoors

Spontaneous? Erotic? Thrilling? In Hollywood, yes. In the UK in autumn, it’s just bleak. You’ll end up in some hedges on a local heath struggling to maintain an erection during a gale, before having to call NHS Direct after you accidentally rub against a poisonous plant and develop a rash that makes you paranoid your knob will fall off.


If you’re desperate to sprinkle some excitement on your life, skinny-dipping is the perfect solution, combining unnecessary nudity and a disregard for underwater hazards. When you eventually get bored of bobbing about in some farming chemical-filled local pool for a few minutes, you’ll come back to find youths have stolen your pants for a laugh.

Knick knocking

If you’re eager to recapture some of that childish zeal for mischief you used to have, then knick knocking seems good. Until that is, you realise you can barely run anymore and someone will open their door to ask why you, a breathless middle aged man, are standing wheezing in their garden. Have fun explaining your rationale to them, and the police.

Road trip

Movies make road trips seem like a guaranteed way to fill your boots with hijinks. However, you don’t live beside Route 66 – you live in Stoke. Instead of cruising through the desert in a convertible, you’ll be sat in a 2004 Toyota Yaris in a traffic jam on an A-road while your friend talks you through their cat’s diarrhoea.

Talk to a stranger

Striking up a conversation with a stranger in a pub could be a great way to make a new, exciting friend, or maybe even meet the love of your life? Unfortunately, your local is mostly populated with nutters, so enjoy spending three hours trying to leave while a retired postman rants at you about his vasectomy. 

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'Is this good?' man asks while rubbing girlfriend's knee in hunt for elusive clitoris

DURING their weekly bout of intercourse, a man mistakenly believed he had finally found his girlfriend’s clitoris, he has revealed.

Eagerly rubbing a patch of his partner’s knee, one Jack Browne was thrilled that his long and inept search for girlfriend Lauren Hewitt’s clitoris had finally reached an end.

An elated Browne said: “They’re tricky little things to track down, but I knew at once when I hit upon it. Lauren was going hog-wild. Honestly, you should’ve heard some of the noises she was making.

“I, Jack Browne, have found the Holy Grail of genitalia. I’m like Indiana Jones. Or a skilled hunter whose patience and marksmanship enabled me to bag my first clitoris.” 

Hewitt said afterwards: “The bastard just spent the last few minutes aggravating a patch of eczema I had on the back of my leg. How he managed to drift that far away from my fanny, I’ll never know.

“It’s literally sitting in plain sight if he went and looked for it, but instead he thinks it’s in some elusive hiding place, like a gynaecological Osama Bin Laden.

“Mind you, the couple of times I have shown him where it is he was completely out of his depth. He basically just frantically pawed at my bits like he was playing a scratchcard.

“Next time I say that I’m going to give him a blowjob, I think I’ll just have a Magnum and say my mouth got lost on the way too.”