THINKING about having some carefree, spontaneous fun, just like in the movies? Try these activities and prepare for them to go tits-up.
Sex outdoors
Spontaneous? Erotic? Thrilling? In Hollywood, yes. In the UK in autumn, it’s just bleak. You’ll end up in some hedges on a local heath struggling to maintain an erection during a gale, before having to call NHS Direct after you accidentally rub against a poisonous plant and develop a rash that makes you paranoid your knob will fall off.
Skinny-dipping
If you’re desperate to sprinkle some excitement on your life, skinny-dipping is the perfect solution, combining unnecessary nudity and a disregard for underwater hazards. When you eventually get bored of bobbing about in some farming chemical-filled local pool for a few minutes, you’ll come back to find youths have stolen your pants for a laugh.
Knick knocking
If you’re eager to recapture some of that childish zeal for mischief you used to have, then knick knocking seems good. Until that is, you realise you can barely run anymore and someone will open their door to ask why you, a breathless middle aged man, are standing wheezing in their garden. Have fun explaining your rationale to them, and the police.
Road trip
Movies make road trips seem like a guaranteed way to fill your boots with hijinks. However, you don’t live beside Route 66 – you live in Stoke. Instead of cruising through the desert in a convertible, you’ll be sat in a 2004 Toyota Yaris in a traffic jam on an A-road while your friend talks you through their cat’s diarrhoea.
Talk to a stranger
Striking up a conversation with a stranger in a pub could be a great way to make a new, exciting friend, or maybe even meet the love of your life? Unfortunately, your local is mostly populated with nutters, so enjoy spending three hours trying to leave while a retired postman rants at you about his vasectomy.
