Independent career woman can't wait to lie on parents' sofa for two weeks

A DRIVEN, self-reliant career woman has three days left before a fortnight vegging out in her parents’ lounge over Christmas, she has confirmed. 

Carolyn Ryan, known in her office for her professionalism and formidable skill with big-budget corporate clients, is planning to do no more than sit on her arse eating Quality Street two-handed.

Ryan said: “I love my career. I own my own home. I’ve got a boyfriend I’m serious with.

“But what keeps me going through the year is the prospect of two weeks where I go back to mum and dad’s, who are in my support bubble so it’s fine, claim the sofa with a blanket and do f**k all while everyone leaves me alone.

“From the evening of December 23rd to January 5th, all expectations that I feed, clean or clothe myself go out the window. I fully intend to lie in my own filth watching The Good Wife while my dad brings me cups of tea.”

“There’s a reason they call it the most wonderful time of the year.”

She added: “If the office calls they can bugger off. The wifi’s crap here. Also I’ll be covered in mince pie bits and won’t have washed my hair in five days.”

Northerners definitely not laughing

NORTHERNERS have confirmed that they do not find London and the South-East’s tier 4 lockdown as Kent becomes a lorry park in any way amusing. 

Across the North, from tier 2 Liverpool to tier 3 Newcastle, residents are certainly not smiling broadly as they watch the bits of the country that think they are so f**king special turned into an open prison on half-rations.

Bill McKay of South Shields said: “Aye. Tier 4, is it now? Had to invent a new tier for what a bunch of dirty bastards you are, did they?

“Well I can’t see how this has happened with your house prices. Did you tell the virus that? And the French? That your house is worth 800 grand in the commuter belt?

“Course, you’ve cancelled our Christmas as well, but that’s to be expected. Everyone suffers when you suffer. So don’t worry about us, we’re suffering alright. I’m grinning from ear-to-ear for another reason.

“Apparently all your roads are blocked, and you’re all stuck in your little bedsits for Christmas, and you can’t understand how this has happened to you. Haha. Sorry, I coughed.”

He added: “Why don’t you write one of your self-important whinging columns in one of your national newspapers about it? I’ll look forward to reading that.”