'Instant makes me physically sick': Five twats who've gone too far down the coffee rabbit hole

GOT a friend who’s way too obsessed with coffee? They may well fit one of these categories of ‘coffee twat’.

Obsessed with beans twat

They’ve only been into coffee for a year, but they drone on interminably about beans from Guatemala, Colombia or Peru with a love and tenderness they never show toward their own children. Still, you can enjoy a sarcastic laugh at them roasting their own beans in the oven, which with the price of electricity means every cup costs about 25 quid.

‘Instant makes me sick’ twat

Despite drinking instant for years, since the coffee boom happened this twat has decided having a Kenko is unconscionable, like clubbing a baby seal. When they’re offered a cup of lukewarm Nescafe at a friend’s house, they pretty much pretend to faint, as if instant triggers some form of coffee PTSD.

Thinks Starbucks is the Devil twat

Judging High Street coffee chains has become a kind of hobby of theirs. From the totally shit ones all the way down to Costa. Last week they almost had a punch-up with a teenage girl in Starbucks who ordered a venti decaf soy milk Caramel Macchiato. No one ever got this unhinged about Lilt, or even Vimto.

Bought a £1,500 coffee machine twat

To be a true big swinging dick of the coffee world, this twat has dropped the price of a foreign holiday on a colossal barista-worthy coffee machine. It needs to be serviced every six months, has all the bells and whistles and they have no f**king clue how to use it. Don’t accidentally call it a Nespresso or they might fly into a rage, murder you and dispose of the body with their unnecessarily expensive coffee grinder.

Acts like it’s wine twat

By far the wankiest move is to talk about coffee in the same bullshit, hushed tones that people use for wine. There are notes of dark chocolate, berries or caramel in their cup. No there aren’t. It’s coffee, not a bottle of 1961 Pinot Noir. At least Jilly Goolden-style wine buffs have the excuse of being pissed.

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Good-looking bastard counts a fortnight as a dry spell

AN incredibly handsome man has the nerve to count two weeks without sexual intercourse as a ‘dry spell’, it has emerged.

Chiselled-featured jerk Josh Hudson has gone a mere 14 days without getting his end away yet is acting like this counts as a significant period of time to go without sex.

Hudson said: “A whole fortnight. That’s 336 barren, sexless hours. Can you imagine what it must feel like to not shag for that long? I’m worried I’ll forget how to do it.

“I think I must be the first man in history to endure such an epic dry spell. Even ugly people and trainspotters are probably getting balls deep more often than me, which is unfair because I’m easy on the eye.

“I’m all alone in my suffering, too. When I told my friends about my era of abstinence, they said ‘Are you f**king serious, mate?’. They’re shocked and confused because my long-term celibacy defies rational explanation.

“I’ll just have to cross my fingers and pray that a woman will want to shack up with my rugged good looks at some point in the future. But after all this time, I’m starting to lose hope.”

Solid ten Ellie Shaw said: “Jesus, two weeks? If I haven’t seen three guys in an afternoon I start to worry. My heart goes out to him.”