GOT a friend who’s way too obsessed with coffee? They may well fit one of these categories of ‘coffee twat’.
Obsessed with beans twat
They’ve only been into coffee for a year, but they drone on interminably about beans from Guatemala, Colombia or Peru with a love and tenderness they never show toward their own children. Still, you can enjoy a sarcastic laugh at them roasting their own beans in the oven, which with the price of electricity means every cup costs about 25 quid.
‘Instant makes me sick’ twat
Despite drinking instant for years, since the coffee boom happened this twat has decided having a Kenko is unconscionable, like clubbing a baby seal. When they’re offered a cup of lukewarm Nescafe at a friend’s house, they pretty much pretend to faint, as if instant triggers some form of coffee PTSD.
Thinks Starbucks is the Devil twat
Judging High Street coffee chains has become a kind of hobby of theirs. From the totally shit ones all the way down to Costa. Last week they almost had a punch-up with a teenage girl in Starbucks who ordered a venti decaf soy milk Caramel Macchiato. No one ever got this unhinged about Lilt, or even Vimto.
Bought a £1,500 coffee machine twat
To be a true big swinging dick of the coffee world, this twat has dropped the price of a foreign holiday on a colossal barista-worthy coffee machine. It needs to be serviced every six months, has all the bells and whistles and they have no f**king clue how to use it. Don’t accidentally call it a Nespresso or they might fly into a rage, murder you and dispose of the body with their unnecessarily expensive coffee grinder.
Acts like it’s wine twat
By far the wankiest move is to talk about coffee in the same bullshit, hushed tones that people use for wine. There are notes of dark chocolate, berries or caramel in their cup. No there aren’t. It’s coffee, not a bottle of 1961 Pinot Noir. At least Jilly Goolden-style wine buffs have the excuse of being pissed.