Brexiters tick off 'food rationing' on list

BREXITERS have placed a big happy tick next to ‘food rationing’ on their list of conditions to return Britain to its ideal wartime state.

Vegetable rationing, which will soon be followed by rationing of meat, eggs and sugar, is one more step back to the time and place when Britain was happiest: the years 1939 to 1945.

Norman Steele of Lincoln said: “Now this is what we voted for. Taken them long enough, mind.

“Now rationing’s here, it won’t be long before we’re melting down saucepans and railings for rearmament, sending all the young unmarried girls to work on the land, and setting up internment camps on the Isle of Man.

“We’ve set 1945 as a cut-off date because Britain went downhill fast after we beat Jerry, Churchill got kicked out and the NHS was founded. Nobody wants to revisit those dark days.

“Next on the list: evacuating urban children to the countryside so they grow up with the right values, national service and compulsory xenophobia. All on the way.

“Gather round the wireless with the family to hear the next developments, as long as there isn’t a blackout.”

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They don't piss in the shower: The real indicators of couples' incompatibility

COUPLES’ compatibility is always based on flimsy indicators such as physical attraction or shared interests. Here are the real reasons you should split up immediately.

One of you doesn’t particularly like cheese

If one of you has a ‘take it or leave it’ attitude toward cheese, while the other is A NORMAL HUMAN BEING, the relationship can never work. Could you, the normal one who bites off chunks straight out the packet like a beast, spend the rest of your life with someone who lacks your passion for Cathedral City? It’s curtains for two such different people.

You have different accents

If one of you has a prissy Southern accent and the other’s from Bolton, you might be able to communicate on a basic level like in One Million Years BC, but that’s it. Ditto if one of you is Scottish. You’ll secretly believe yourself to be superior, they’ll never respect you because you don’t know what a bawbag is. Either pay for dialect coaching or move on.

You both like the same side of the bed

Some things cannot be compromised on – it would be sacrificing an important part of who you are as a person. The only fair solution is to both sleep on the same side, one on top of the other. This may seem pretty hot in the first few months of living together, but will soon become a massive pain in the arse, quite literally if your partner’s knee is wedged in your bum cheeks.  

Only one of you is competitive

Do you seriously think that a person who can make a competition out of anything – from a game of snap to fitting everything in the dishwasher – can live a happy life with someone who won’t engage in petty one-upmanship? Someone who’ll say things like ‘I don’t really care’ or ‘Don’t worry, let’s just say you won’. They are weak and you will come to despise them.

You do/don’t hang photos of yourself on the walls

Do you like taking photos of yourselves as a couple and plastering them on your walls in frames, while your partner has the odd snap of a duck languishing on their phone? Split up now. You’ll be forever obsessing over whether you look your best at the top of a boring hill in Wales and they’ll be in permanent agonised embarrassment because they look like a crazed egotist. Like you.

You do/don’t piss in the shower

Some people see the shower as the ideal place to relieve themselves – the plug hole is right there within shooting distance and you’re about to soap down your bottom half anyway. Others see it as a hygiene line in the sand that cannot be crossed. If you’re not both fine with it or totally disgusted, tear off your engagement rings right now.

You have opposite opinions about your mothers

If you love your mother and your girlfriend hates her, or she hates her mother but you actually think she’s ‘quite fun’, it won’t work. It’s as deep-seated as the cat person/dog person dichotomy but with interfering old bats/your lovely new mum. Split up before you have kids and it all turns into grim EastEnders-style family feuds. No one wants that.