10 records you won't admit you bought because you fancied the singer

YOUR music tastes would never be influenced by something as base as fancying the artist, right? Wrong, and that’s why you bought these records and CDs.

Belinda Carlisle, Heaven on Earth

Belinda looked extremely hot thanks to her svelte new look and ditching the Go-Go’s era jumpers, which undoubtedly shifted a lot of units. Later singles included Leave a Light On, thus continuing millions of men’s pathetic domestic fantasy about being in long-term relationship with Ms Carlisle. 

Wham, Fantastic 

George and Andrew nailed the smouldering-in-a-leather-jacket-with-a-bare-chest look on the album cover, and their heartthrob status was assured. It was years before legions of female fans realised a romantic evening with George meant something very different indeed.

Blondie, Parallel Lines 

Even inanimate objects fancied Debbie Harry, looking cool on the album in an iconic white dress. It’s also excellent, so you can claim you bought it due to it being a seminal work and to listen to Robert Fripp’s New Wave guitar stylings on Fade Away and Radiate, rather than engage in sordid acts over lovely Ms Harry.

Kate Bush, Babooshka

The single depicted Kate sprawled on the floor, apparently after the uniquely Kate Bush-esque trauma of having a mental breakdown while playing the cello. However it did not feature the famous silver bikini, which, let’s face it, is why everyone bought it. If it wasn’t for this oversight it’d probably still be in the top ten.

INXS, Kick

INXS’s record company traded heavily on Michael Hutchence’s sexy torso, to the extent where he’d probably forgotten what a shirt was. Then it all went a bit wrong. Unfortunately there does seem to be a pattern emerging here of men who don’t wear shirts not being ideal boyfriend material.

The Slits, Cut 

Punks weren’t immune to buying an album with a fit singer on it, and The Slits obliged by dressing as topless Amazonian warrior women. Punk was about tearing down society’s norms, so naturally the best-looking Slit, Viv Albertine of Johnny Rotten blowjob fame, is front and centre of the photo. 

A-ha, Hunting High and Low 

Morten and Mags were true 80s bedroom wall pin-ups. There was the other one too, but these days only Google remembers him (Paul Waaktaar-Savoy, like the cabbage). Either ways the Norwegian band sold loads of copies on Morten’s looks alone. That said, men enjoyed the video as well, with its promise of some brutal pipe-wrench violence.

Michael Jackson, Thriller

Due to his now-horrendous reputation, it’s easy to forget ‘Wacko Jacko’ was a huge sex symbol adored by millions of female pop fans. He’s probably at his sexiest on the cover of Thriller, after which the plastic surgery obsession began taking over. Although by the end, having a stupidly pointy nose was the least of his problems.

Any Top of the Pops compilation album

Absolutely nothing to do with the TV show, these budget covers albums by various anonymous studio musicians were a fixture of the late 60s and 70s. It’s unlikely you bought one, but your dad probably did. All the albums featured a fairly attractive woman in a miniskirt or bikini or, to use the correct 1970s terminology, ‘a dollybird with nice pins and big knockers’.

The Bangles, Eternal Flame 

The Bangles’ Eternal Flame video really capitalised on founder member Susanna Hoffs, so don’t claim her extreme pulchritude wasn’t a factor in your buying decision. At least it’s a good song, which is more than can be said for your shameful 1988 purchase of Boys by Sabrina.

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'We don't need foreign muck like tomatoes': The gammon's guide to seasonal British vegetables

WHO needs tomatoes and peppers when we’ve got delicious British vegetables like swede and cabbage? Here is Roy Hobbs’ guide to avoiding traitorous EU produce.


Why fanny around reducing luscious tomatoes into a tasty ragu when you could chop up a tough old cabbage and boil it into submission? The overly emotional Italians make a bloody fuss about everything, whereas us Brits know you have to like it or lump it. It’s how we single-handedly won the war. Don’t you dare mention America.


Cauliflower looks horrible and smells like farts, which makes it a classic British vegetable. There’s only one way to cook it, which is to simmer it into a tasteless mush like my old mum used to. And you don’t slice it into so-called ‘steaks’ like in veggie restaurants. If you do I’ll call the police as you’ve obviously been injecting LSD with your hippy vegan anarchist mates.


The swede has a suspicious European name, but it grows in abundance down the allotment so I’ll allow it. Can’t really do anything with it apart from mash it and then be disappointed it’s not potato, but this country was built on disappointment and look at us now. We’re miserable and poor, but we’ve escaped the tyranny of Brussels. I’d eat gravel if I thought it would piss off Ursula von der Leyen. And I’d bloody well enjoy it!

Jerusalem artichoke

Even more horribly foreign-sounding, but also the name of that hymn about how brilliant England is, so swings and roundabouts. This vegetable is a tricky little bugger that’s a nightmare to deal with and ultimately more trouble than it’s worth. My wife said it’s a good metaphor for Brexit, which made me sulk in the garage for three days.


Who wants metropolitan elite rubbish like raspberries, peppers or broccoli when you can enjoy the great British spud? Especially deep fried and covered in salt, which is the best way to enjoy any kind of food. It’s called ‘cuisine’, and we invented it, you European plebs.