Insufferable wanker eagerly awaiting return of glory days as Zoom quizmaster

AN INTOLERABLE bastard is keenly anticipating the next lockdown so he can experience the raw power of being a Zoom quizmaster again. 

Throughout the 2020 and 2021 lockdowns, Tom Booker loved nothing more than lording it over his friends and family via lengthy, elaborate Zoom quizzes and with Omicron cases rising he is ready to once again feel the exhilarating rush of asking people questions.

He said: “My social life was never better than during lockdown. Every Saturday night everyone would log on wishing they hadn’t but knowing it was better than nothing.

“Being a quizmaster awoke something inside me I’d never felt before. I had never had that kind of authority. People were hanging on my every word. When I told them the mystery celebrity was Chris Pine not Chris Pratt they gasped.

“There hasn’t been a quiz since April. The shallow and attractive have been too busy ‘hanging out’ or ‘going to the pub’ and all that wasteful nonsense.

“But I can sense another lockdown. I know, in my quizmaster’s bones, that New Year’s Eve will be cancelled. The poor fools will have nowhere else to turn.

“Don’t worry. I intend to make them suffer. My big quiz of 2021 is 52 questions long and includes a Matt Hancock snog photo spot-the-difference.”

Could you be as objective and unbiased as Laura Kuenssberg?

BBC political editor Laura Kuenssberg, the very fulcrum on which the truth balances, is moving on. Could you be as fantastically impartial? 

Where do you get your best stories from?

A) Trustworthy contacts I’ve built up, or tireless research to follow the money.

B) WhatsApp. If a Tory minister wants to anonymously smear the opposition, or his own party, the story’s basically done once you’ve repeated word-for-word what they said.

What are the best interviewing techniques?

A) Keep a professional distance and push hard for a straight answer.

B) I like to laugh along when a politician, ideally Conservative, says something minimally amusing then tilt my head to one side like a dog confused by television. That puts them on the back foot.

What if all you’ve got is hearsay?

A) If you can’t stand it up it’s not journalism. It’s rumour.

B) Tweet it anyway like I did the story about a Labour activist punching a Tory advisor. Even if it’s ‘Keir Starmer buggers donkeys in a gimp suit’, as long as you tweet a correction which gets a 20th of the views no harm done.

How do you tackle a divisive issue like Brexit?

A) Ask questions people may not like the answers to, because your duty is to inform.

B) Lots of people are into Brexit so you can’t knock it. Treat it as a perfectly normal trade discussion with contested claims about the outcome. That’s why the BBC is so respected.

What if you don’t understand a subject? 

A) Interview people with specialist knowledge.

B) Same. I’m no expert on economics, so when I do budget stories I get Rishi Sunak to explain it to me. Who knows more about it than the chancellor of the exchequer? He’s quite good looking too, and in the interests of balance I don’t mention he’s very short.

ANSWERS

Mostly As: You’re not cut out to lead coverage of Parliament. You probably don’t even know any Cabinet ministers socially.

Mostly Bs: You have just the right skillset of parroting facts, skirting big issues and keeping quiet about what the public does not need to know. The £250k salary is yours.