It's mainly listening to bitching, therapists confirm

THERAPISTS have admitted that counselling is little more than being paid loads to listen to people slag off friends and family behind their backs.

Although it sounds worthy and admirable, therapists have revealed that their job boils down to being a sounding board for bitching for an hour then watching a massive sum of money land in their bank account.

Therapist Susan Traherne said: “We try to tart up what we do with fancy words like ‘intergenerational trauma’ and ‘inner child’ but there’s no escaping the blunt truth. We just listen to you bitch.

“Every day, from nine to five, that’s all it is. Sad acts come slouching in, spill their guts about their dad or their boss, while we patiently nod and try to look like we care.

“Occasionally we’ll pipe up with some bollocks like ‘I’m hearing a lot of shame’ but that’s just so clients don’t think we’ve zoned out. We’re careful not to offer practical advice because then people might get fixed and never come back.

“If you’ve ever listened to your mate bitch about their ex, or a colleague who got the promotion they wanted, you could be a therapist. It’s really that easy. Print off some fake certificates for your office wall and you’re good to go.”

Tom Booker from Preston said: “I work in HR, it’s pretty much the same thing.”

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Random man in club excellent addition to friend group

A MAN who sidled up to a group of friends and started dancing at them is now an indispensable and valued member of the group. 

Socially dysfunctional weirdo Jordan Gardner discovered his new friends in Koncept nightclub in Croydon, and realised that them dancing and talking in a tight circle was a clear invitation to join them.

Gardner said: “There was instant chemistry between me, Ryan, Hannah, Oliver, James and Lucy, who welcomed me into the group with friendly stares. 

“For me, the highlight of the night was probably dancing with Lucy, who kept laughing and turning away in mock embarrassment. It was great to be let in on their little in-jokes so quickly. Or should I say, our little in-jokes?

“I like Lucy a lot, but it’s Hannah I really connected with. Could romance be in the air? I’ll let you know when we have a conversation either of us can hear.

“We all had a great time, like when I demanded their phone numbers, then insisted that I watched while they awkwardly saved mine into their phones. I’ll cherish that memory for years to come.” 

New friend Oliver O’Connor said: “It’s great to have Jordan as part of the gang. He shouted something incomprehensible in my ear, so he’s clearly a great guy I’m going to have a lot in common with.”

Hannah Tomlinson added: “I didn’t speak to Jordan and know nothing about him, so we’ll probably get married. I can’t wait to be Mrs Hannah whatever-his-surname-is.”