School uniform bought in September no longer f**king fits

FOUR months of teenage growth and Christmas overindulgence have turned a child into a weird, fast-growing freak, his mother has reported.

When 14-year-old Jack Browne put on his school uniform for the new term after Christmas his mother Sarah was alarmed at what she had given birth to.

Sarah said: “I know he’s going through a growth stage and eaten more than his fill of shite over Christmas, but he’s bursting out of his uniform that was new in September, the mutant.

“I bought it all at the last minute so it would last until the end of the year. But his shirt buttons are about to pop, his blazer’s so tight it’s giving him a hunchback and he looks like he’s wearing Rishi Sunak’s trousers. If he breathes in too quickly he’ll shred the lot, like a pasty, wobbly-voiced Hulk.

“I took a lovely photo of him at the start of the year in his pristine uniform against the only door in the house that’s not damaged. I can’t do that now, he looks like something out of World War Z.

“I suppose it’s just his hormones taking advantage of the abundance of energy provided by the mountains of chocolate and cheese he’s guzzled. Plus he’s not actually moved for three weeks, apart from his gaming thumbs, obviously.

“There’s nothing I can do about it today. He looks like a wanker but he’ll have to go in as he is. Still, they do say girls like guys who make them laugh.”

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Nachos not a meal

A PLATE of triangular crisps covered in cheese and jalapenos does not constitute a full and satisfying meal, it has been confirmed.

Diners are in agreement that nachos do not contain enough nutritional value to be truly classed as an actual meal, so restaurants should stop including them in the mains section on their menus.

Nathan Muir from Bristol said: “Listing them under starters and sharers is fair enough. Anywhere beyond that is taking the piss.

“Even if they’re loaded with mince, doused in salsa and come with a dollop of guacamole on the side, there’s not enough substance to them. And yet somehow chefs can get away with charging upwards of 15 quid for the luxury. That should be illegal. And I do mean a custodial sentence.”

Eleanor Shaw from Weston-super-Mare said: “You can never get a full and satisfying bite with nachos, which means they firmly belong in the snack category. That’s just science.

“I had nachos for lunch once and was left feeling more hungry than before I ate them. It was like my stomach was looking up at me and asking ‘Where’s the rest?’ I reckon it’s some sort of Mexican April Fool’s prank and us dumb gringos don’t get it.

“Plus the jalapenos burn your bum on the way out. Avoid.”