Wednesday, 30th September 2020

'It's my birthday week' says woman who needs to grow the f**k up

A SELFISH brat of a woman has announced that she expects her birthday celebrations to last an entire bloody week.

Nikki Hollis turns 34 on Friday but, in contrast to her biological maturity, believes she should be lavished with birthday attention across seven days instead of the customary one.

Friend Tom Logan said: “Everyone loves their birthday. It’s when we get presents we’ve explicitly asked for and old friends send you half-hearted Facebook messages.

“But Nikki seems to believe that she deserves to be thrown some kind of week-long carnival, which is ludicrous. Even if it’s a big one you’re looking at 24 hours of indulgence, tops. Clue’s in the name.”

Hollis said: “Friday I’m marathoning Harry Potter films, Saturday I’m out with the girls, Sunday’s for family, Monday my boyfriend’s planned a special day, Tuesday’s my work birthday, the last two days I’ve asked friends to surprise me.

“And none of it will cost me a penny because I’ll go doe-eyed and coo ‘but it’s my birthday’ whenever it’s my turn to get a round in.

“When I blow out the candles on my last cake, will I wish for another seven days of birthday? I can’t tell you, or it won’t come true.”