'It's my birthday week' says woman who needs to grow the f**k up

A SELFISH brat of a woman has announced that she expects her birthday celebrations to last an entire bloody week.

Nikki Hollis turns 34 on Friday but, in contrast to her biological maturity, believes she should be lavished with birthday attention across seven days instead of the customary one.

Friend Tom Logan said: “Everyone loves their birthday. It’s when we get presents we’ve explicitly asked for and old friends send you half-hearted Facebook messages.

“But Nikki seems to believe that she deserves to be thrown some kind of week-long carnival, which is ludicrous. Even if it’s a big one you’re looking at 24 hours of indulgence, tops. Clue’s in the name.”

Hollis said: “Friday I’m marathoning Harry Potter films, Saturday I’m out with the girls, Sunday’s for family, Monday my boyfriend’s planned a special day, Tuesday’s my work birthday, the last two days I’ve asked friends to surprise me.

“And none of it will cost me a penny because I’ll go doe-eyed and coo ‘but it’s my birthday’ whenever it’s my turn to get a round in.

“When I blow out the candles on my last cake, will I wish for another seven days of birthday? I can’t tell you, or it won’t come true.”

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How to explain to your children that the world has gone to hell

EVERYTHING is bad again and looks unlikely to improve anytime soon. If your inquisitive little darlings are asking if this is the apocalypse, here’s how to explain it: 

Use analogies

Children have very little understanding of anything outside of their immediate bubble, so to get through to them compare the complex geopolitical landscape to something they’re familiar with, eg ’Boris Johnson is like Olaf from Frozen, in that we all wish he’d f**k off’.

Make it into a game

Stockpiling and sheltering from a virus doesn’t have to be a miserable affair. With a little imagination, you can convince your offspring that it’s an elaborate game and whoever wins gets to live.

Don’t use long words

‘Global coronavirus pandemic’ is a mouthful for for most of us, let alone for someone who’s struggling with their six times table. Try ‘big cold’ or ‘scary bat cough’, acting it out if necessary.

Avoid overcomplicating

While it wouldn’t fly in adult circles, there really is nothing stopping you from portraying everyone you don’t agree with as an evil baddie, and your favourite Guardian columnist as a beautiful princess. It’s one of the perks of parenthood.

Stay optimistic

Above all, everything you tell your children should be delivered in a maddeningly happy tone. Or if they haven’t registered sarcasm yet, go all out. ‘Yes, the threat of being laid off and dying really is wonderful.’