Jogger beats their personal best at being a smug, annoying bastard

A SELF-SATISFIED jogger has just smashed their personal best at being an all-round insufferable bastard, it has emerged.

Ryan Whittaker surpassed himself on his latest run by not making room for pedestrians, posting his time to social media and droning on about the benefits of running to bored friends.

Whittaker said: “There’s more to running than moving fast and looking like a twat. You’ve also got to cultivate an obsessive, fairly repellent personality if you want to make a success of it.

“I’d set a really high bar for myself by wearing inappropriately short shorts and a needlessly expensive vest. So you can imagine how amazing I feel today, both physically and mentally.

“The highlight was when I sped past an elderly man with a walking stick, who must have been devastated at the sight of my toned legs powering away like pistons.

“Even when I’m not running you’ll find me watching Chariots of Fire or repeats of the London Marathon. Did I tell you I’m already training for next year’s race? Let me tell you again.”

Friend Nikki Hollis said: “The only way Ryan can raise his game now is to become a hardcore cycling wanker.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Five moronic things to say every time there's a heatwave

A HEATWAVE in Britain guarantees inane conversations about the weather. Here are some things to say to help you join in.

‘Hot, isn’t it?’ 

A remarkable piece of stating the obvious, up there with ‘fire is hot’ or ‘that elephant is big’. Say it when it is totally unnecessary, ie. everyone is drenched in sweat and the news is reporting hundreds of cases of sunstroke.

‘Let’s go to an insanely crowded beach’

A shit idea during coronavirus, but a bad idea generally. A busy British beach is not the deserted Caribbean idyll depicted in holiday brochures, more a massive outdoor tanning salon combined with a yobbish pub and a rubbish dump.

‘Who needs to go abroad?’

Not only is this a grinding cliche used trillions of times before, but the fact is you DO need to go abroad if you want a change of culture and food rather than watching the rain piss down from inside a chain pub in Suffolk that’s identical to the one five minutes’ walk from your own home.

‘It’s too hot to do anything’

Justified in extremely hot weather, not so much if it’s just a fairly hot British afternoon rather than midday in the Sahara. Especially if you then embark on a frenzy of activity including trips to B&Q, hours of gardening, a rush to the nearest beer garden and a massive barbecue.

‘Better get the sprinkler on’

When it comes to hot weather, grass is luckily more durable than, say, an ice cube. Even so, get your garden sprinkler sprinkling away immediately to exacerbate any water shortage, only for it to piss down two days later making the whole exercise pointless.