Sunday, 27th September 2020

Jogger beats their personal best at being a smug, annoying bastard

A SELF-SATISFIED jogger has just smashed their personal best at being an all-round insufferable bastard, it has emerged.

Ryan Whittaker surpassed himself on his latest run by not making room for pedestrians, posting his time to social media and droning on about the benefits of running to bored friends.

Whittaker said: “There’s more to running than moving fast and looking like a twat. You’ve also got to cultivate an obsessive, fairly repellent personality if you want to make a success of it.

“I’d set a really high bar for myself by wearing inappropriately short shorts and a needlessly expensive vest. So you can imagine how amazing I feel today, both physically and mentally.

“The highlight was when I sped past an elderly man with a walking stick, who must have been devastated at the sight of my toned legs powering away like pistons.

“Even when I’m not running you’ll find me watching Chariots of Fire or repeats of the London Marathon. Did I tell you I’m already training for next year’s race? Let me tell you again.”

Friend Nikki Hollis said: “The only way Ryan can raise his game now is to become a hardcore cycling wanker.”