Monday, 19th April 2021

Key points for your crappy little Easter garden get-together

PLANNING an Easter get-together in your garden with a strictly limited number of family members? Make sure it’s no fun for anyone with these tips: 

Wank on about social distancing

Really ruin that reunion feel by shouting ‘social distancing’ whenever anyone gets too close, using cut lengths of cane to enforce the two-metre rule. It will be especially annoying when you say it whilst people who haven’t seen each other for months are hugging goodbye.

Don’t prepare for the weather

It was sunny for two-and-a-half days this week, so you assumed it would never end. Now it’s cold just like the meteorologists predicted, and your response is not to try and mitigate its effects but to repeatedly say, ‘Ooh and it was so lovely on Tuesday.’

Be stingy with drink

Open one bottle of prosecco between six, because you can’t have dangerous drunkenness in your garden and everyone has to drive home. Under extreme duress open a second bottle and dole out another 125ml of alcohol. It’s okay, nobody can go in your house and see how much booze you’ve really got.

Barbecue

Your kitchen is just there. You could go in and out with food on paper plates and nobody would be at risk. But instead decide it’s ‘safer’ to have a barbecue because that way you’re doing every part of the process by hand, ensuring infection, while guests cough heavily in the shifting column of smoke.

End prematurely

Your grandmother’s not seen family since October, and she’s been driven 65 miles from her care home especially for this. Yeah but you’re bored and your warm house and big telly are right there. After no more than 90 minutes clap your hands and say ‘Well, this has been fun!’ and wait for everyone to leave, which they don’t because this isn’t Zoom and you can’t make them.