Kickers, and other contraband school uniform you wore to look hard

FORBIDDEN by the authorities, inspected by teachers, these were the uniform of the playground’s top dogs: 


There’s a fine line between Clark’s and Kickers, but that red or green tag meant you were in your comprehensive’s VIP area. All the bullies had them so it was like gang colours more than branding. Made you the first choice for a passed football even if you were shit at football.


A hoodie peeking from under a blazer has so much nonchalant attitude you might as well be Kurt Cobain, and teachers were hard for for confiscating them which was radical and hilarious. Chewing your way through the armholes made fingerless gloves to bat away the long line of suitors you had wet dreams about but were too scared to approach.

Short skirt

You were the renegade every girl wished they were just by rolling and clipping above the legal limit. It gave you carte blanche to use the word ‘bitch’, got you fags, made you the subject of graffiti and scared middle-aged male teachers. Even if it secured daily detention, it’s what Regina George would’ve wanted.


Nothing says gritty bling like a stud of plastic. Pop one in and you’re fresh out of a Danny Dyer movie, ready to knock a mug spark out. One ear was flashy. Two was outright revolution, even though you’d cried in Claire’s Accessories and the three-year-old in front of you hadn’t.

Leather jacket

Everyone that watched Grease, which was everyone, knew this turned your mountain bike into a Harley and your sneers dangerous. It was your dad’s old jacket, it was too long and you looked like a knock-off Blade, but the school must have been terrified you were armed with a motorbike chain and a vicious grudge attitude because Miss Huntley just laughed.

Various hats

Baseball cap equals rapper, even if you’re at best a human beatbox. Beanies served a dual function, making you look like a badass drug dealer while hiding greasy hair that smelled like masturbation. Both could be snatched away by The Man, allowing you to prove your rebel credentials by saying ‘Aw sir, my head’s cold now.’

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Renting is dead money, says landlord of 18 properties

A LANDLORD who owns 18 properties thinks renting is nothing more than throwing money down the drain. 

Property entrepreneur Wayne Hayes cannot understand why anyone would piss away their hard-earned cash on rent, especially in the current market. 

He said: “You’re paying what, a thousand a month minimum and more if I’ve put new carpets down, for what? A room in a four-bed I bought as a shell for £75k? 

“How do these idiots expect to save up a mortgage deposit when they’re spunking that up the wall? What kind of cretin thinks ‘oh, I’ll pay off someone else’s mortgage instead’? Namely mine? 

“What happened to snapping up vacant houses in the early 90s, doing them up and renting them as multiple flats choking the property landscape?

“And what do you get in return for renting? Nothing. Except for freedom from living with your parents, a lack of maintenance costs and the flexibility to move whenever you feel like it. It’s a racket.”

Renter Jack Browne said: “I can either fork out £700 per calendar month, plus bills, or live in my car. It’s a tough call but renting’s the slightly better option.”