Eight characters it would be a very bad idea to race-swap

NEW versions of The Little Mermaid and Cleopatra have race-swapped, outraging rednecks and Egyptians. Hollywood should avoid these: 

Black Panther

A white actor ruling Wakanda would effectively make the film a glowing recommendation for colonialism and Empire. Jacob Rees-Mogg would take his kids, but that’s about it. Instead T’Challa could be Hispanic or Asian. In this era of progressive colourblind casting there’s no danger of complaints.


Racists will no doubt say ‘What’s the point of a black Great Dane instead of a brown one?’ but audiences are crying out for a version of Scooby-Doo, Where Are You! immersed in identity politics. After all, what is Scooby-Doo but a show in which we find out who people really are?

Patrick Bateman

It’s offensive to suggest only white men can be serial killers when in reality it’s a mere 82 per cent of them. A remake of American Psycho will broaden it out to the whole spectrum of racial diversity in New York, and it can still all be a delusion because you don’t have to be white to be imaginative.

Martin Luther King

You’d need an actor who could do justice to King’s powerful and beautiful speeches, so Patrick Stewart from Star Trek? It’s very much in keeping with King’s philosophy of not judging people by their skin colour, and hopefully not many movie theatres would get burned to the ground during screenings.

Lando Calrissian

As a cool, popular character who’s absolutely fine as he is, Lando is perfect for a race-swap no-one wanted. Introduced to counter to the glaring whiteness of a galaxy long ago and far away, he no longer needs be the token character of colour deserving far more screen time than he gets because the franchise has so many of those now. That’s progress, Disney.

The hillbillies in Deliverance

The only bit anyone remembers is the ‘Squeal like a pig!’ scene, and it’s as hideously white as a Royal balcony. Why not use colourblind casting in such iconic roles? Doesn’t a diverse audience deserve to look up at the screen and see themselves?

Annabelle from The Conjuring franchise

There’s a shocking lack of representation among evil porcelain dolls. A black Annabelle would be an inspiration to a whole generation of black dolls who might otherwise never have considered being possessed by a malevolent spirit and causing clichéd jump-scares.


As if World War Two wasn’t racist enough, white actors have locked actors of colour out of playing the ultimate villain. As if pretending to be a tiny one-bollocked madman with a ridiculous fringe and evil moustache ranting in a high-pitched voice were a role just for whites, like Macbeth or the Dane.

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Anyone would look like King in all that shit

AFTER seeing the King’s official Coronation portrait, the public has agreed that anyone in a robe on a throne carrying a sceptre and orb would look equally regal. 

The portrait, in which Charles is barely visible under six layers of royal drapery and accessories, was deemed acceptably kingly while also looking like one of those novelty photos you can take at theme parks.

Margaret Gerving of Guildford said: “There’s only his face showing, and that only seems royal because we’re used to it.

“Honestly, put my grandson Caleb in the Robe of Estate and the Imperial State Crown, seat him on one of Edward VII’s throne chairs and pop the Sovereign’s Orb in one hand and the Sovereign’s Sceptre with Cross in the other? He’d look born to power.

“Put anyone in that get-up and they seem like they should be on money. Roger Daltrey, David Dickinson, Glenn Hoddle, that old lad who sits outside the public library all day drinking white cider, they’d all scrub up nice with a bit of ermine.

“It’s almost as though there’s nothing special about Charles at all and he’s just a figurehead perpetuating the British class system by his empty existence. Weird.”

She added: “Can you get orbs? Because I kind of want one now.”