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New celebrity travel show just f**ks off and leaves them there

A NEW celebrity travel TV show takes household names to remote locations around the world then flies home without them. 

The bold new concept has sent Jenny Frost to Tierra del Fuego, Paddy McGuinness to the Aluetian Islands and Edwina Currie to the source of the Congo and hopes they will be very happy there.

Producer Bill McKay said: “We have too many famous people. Meanwhile, who’s ever heard of anyone from Papua New Guinea?

“So we’re clearing the aggressive waves of untalented celebrities overwhelming our tellys like raw sewage with scarily white teeth by donating them to lucky, lucky foreigners.

“Shows like Robson Green’s Micronesia, Crossing the Empty Quarter with Chris Moyles and Jane McDonald: Into the Mariana Trench exist only on paper. We’ve told the celebs they’re being filmed on drone. There are no drones.

“We’re thinning the herd of the insufferable accidentally-famous by offering them undeserved presenting work. They know they’re not qualified but they still take it. Their loss.”

He added: “We’re launching a domestic version, where middle-aged comedians driving unusual vehicles head to off-the-grid Britain then the vehicles break down.”

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Six unconvincing excuses for getting in touch with someone you're trying to shag

‘HEY! Had a good Coronation?’ You don’t care. You just want to know if they’re still with that knobhead. These are the weak excuses you’ll use for contact out of the blue: 

Major international disaster

Whether terrorism, volcano or the outbreak of war, you’ll text the girl you fancy in Slough to see how she’s coping after that tsunami in Chile. ‘Really shaken,’ you’ll say, underlining how compassionate you are, ‘just wanted 2 know yr okay?’ After no reply: ‘Maybe meet at Nando’s to discuss?’

Birthday

What kind of a woman would you be if you ignored your ex-boyfriend’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s mate’s birthday? You’re socially obligated to send him a quick text, and when he replies ‘Who this?’ launch into a full explanation of who you are and why you’re sexually available. It’s the present he didn’t know he wanted.

Work event

Promoted? Had a book published? Hours cut after receiving a verbal warning? You should definitely let her know. She’s bound to be interested now you’re the regional sales manager for the Herts and East England division. Power’s an aphrodisiac and the one time you met her she talked about work, so it’s clearly the way to her heart.

‘I saw this and thought of you’

“Remember that film we saw nine years ago, when you gave me a handjob in the Odeon toilets? Well, after spending all night online as usual, I’ve come across this meme about it. Not being weird or anything, just thought you’d really like this meme. Anyway, how are things with you?”

Christmas

High expectations, twinkly lights, daytime drunkenness and there not actually being much to do contrive to make even the most unexpected contact from a girl met once in 2016 feel welcome. Plausibly claim it’s a round robin about how well you’ve been doing, where you’ve been on holiday, and how hot you are, with bikini photos.

‘You just happened to pop into my head’

Yeah, mid-wank. When he started to wonder what you and your great arse are up to these days. This approach requires the least effort, but is the hardest to pull off. You can go in hard with ‘I dreamt about you last night’ or ‘Remember when I spanked you?’ but if they don’t bite you’ll be reduced to chit-chat about their latest LinkedIn updates.

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