Couple fundamentally too lazy to cheat on each other

A COUPLE know that they will always be faithful to one another because neither can be arsed having an affair. 

Nathan and Joanna Muir enjoy an enviably strong relationship, safe in the knowledge that cheating is too much like hard work for both of them.

Nathan said: “If Selena Gomez strutted in here nude to seduce me? Then my fidelity to Joanna would be dust. If Selena expected a meal out first? Nah.

“The predominant factor that keeps long-term couples in secure monogamous relationships is laziness. Like they say, why go out for hamburger when you’ve got Deliveroo at home?

“Sure, I’ve looked at other women sometimes. Who doesn’t? But I’d never cheat on Joanna, because it would take too much time and effort.”

Joanna agreed: “Carly at work was cheating on her boyfriend. Two phones, constant excuses, running around having secret rendezvous, I mean who’s got the time, all for a few shags?

“Nathan’ll do. And I know that he feels just the same about me.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

'I like a woman that knows how to carry a sword': Britain's problematic boner for Penny Mordaunt

ADMIRERS of the MP for Portsmouth North lost in fantasies of her and the Jewelled Sword of Offering have explained their helpless arousal. All names changed: 

Bill McKay, aged 64, Wrexham

I didn’t used to think I had a type. Blondes, brunettes, redheads, all were welcome as far as I was concerned. The Coronation changed all that. Now I know only a woman bearing a sword while scowling imperiously works.

The sight of her hefting that heavy blade had me harder than I’ve been since 1994. I knew it was wrong but that only fuelled my lust. Then the camera cut to Truss causing my member to shrivel up like fried spinach.

Denys Finch-Hatton, aged 56, of Richmond

As a man of refined erotic tastes, my head was not turned by the cheap thrill of Penny Mordaunt wielding a sword with magisterial dignity. Instead I was drawn to her attire.

A teal-shade cape with embroidered golden ferns and matching hat? I could scarcely believe the BBC would broadcast such filth before the watershed. It made Pippa Middleton’s arse look like a hessian sack of potatoes.

I expect we have the King to thank. He knows these events can drag on a bit, so he included something for the dads. God bless you, your majesty.

Mary Fisher, aged 60, of Leeds

I’ve spent my life in denial. It’s not men I’m attracted to. It’s blondes with terrific upper body strength holding swords aloft ready to strike.

All those years I wasted being married twice when all I wanted was to be dominated. For a woman to strut down the centre aisle of my heart, blade raised, ready to strike.

I’ve told my husband the physical side of our marriage is over and that I am Penny’s now. I’ve written to her and told her we need to be together. In the meantime I’m getting by wanking to Game of Thrones.