Lazy bastard rediscovers comfort zone

A MAN who made a string of rash New Year’s resolutions has happily sunk back into his comfort zone.

When resolving to be a whole new person in 2020, Tom Logan overlooked the fact that he is very fond of the rut he has been wallowing in for the last decade.

Logan said: “What I’d forgotten is that my comfort zone is comfortable, and I’m ultimately a lazy bastard.

“I’ve proved that I could do a salsa class on Mondays, learn Spanish on Wednesdays and train for a triathlon on weekends, plus household chores, and now I can resume not doing any of those things, ever.

“The groove in my sofa has become less sculpted since Christmas, but I’m willing to put in the hours until it returns to being a perfect mould of my increasingly large backside. That’s really something to aspire to.”

Wife Clare Logan said: “On one hand it’s a shame because I started fancying Tom again after he lost a stone and found out where the washing machine is.

“On the other, thank f**k I’m spared the sight of him in Lycra for another year.”

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I'm having an emotional support wank, man tells wife

A MAN has claimed that his right to masturbate should be protected for his mental health.

Tom Booker says that a wank at least once a day is necessary for him to thrive in life, adding that it is a human rights issue and definitely not just a chance for some alone time with BabeStation.

Booker said: “Some people have an emotional support dog, peacock, or pony, but  I have all the equipment I need for my well-being journey wherever I go. Even on the bus.”

Wife Eleanor Shaw commented: “Tom does seem to need a lot of support. He’s always off to the shed for a shufty. If I do so much as ask him to put the bins out, he storms off to clear his pipes out first.

“And when his team lose the football, he’ll be in state of intense emotional distress until he’s watched Kim Kardashian’s sex tape several times. I’m sure it makes him a better man.”