Saturday, 4th April 2020

Lazy bastard rediscovers comfort zone

A MAN who made a string of rash New Year’s resolutions has happily sunk back into his comfort zone.

When resolving to be a whole new person in 2020, Tom Logan overlooked the fact that he is very fond of the rut he has been wallowing in for the last decade.

Logan said: “What I’d forgotten is that my comfort zone is comfortable, and I’m ultimately a lazy bastard.

“I’ve proved that I could do a salsa class on Mondays, learn Spanish on Wednesdays and train for a triathlon on weekends, plus household chores, and now I can resume not doing any of those things, ever.

“The groove in my sofa has become less sculpted since Christmas, but I’m willing to put in the hours until it returns to being a perfect mould of my increasingly large backside. That’s really something to aspire to.”

Wife Clare Logan said: “On one hand it’s a shame because I started fancying Tom again after he lost a stone and found out where the washing machine is.

“On the other, thank f**k I’m spared the sight of him in Lycra for another year.”