Woman's bold new haircut fails to deliver bold new personality

A WOMAN with a dramatic new haircut has discovered she is still the same person.

Joanna Kramer hoped that taking the plunge at the hairdresser would instantly transform her into a confident go-getter with a crazy sense of humour, exemplary eating habits and the ability to say things out loud in meetings.

Kramer said: “I thought, ‘New hair, new me!’ But actually I now have a stressful, complicated haircut that I’ve no idea how to style.

“When I came out of the salon I thought I could almost be mistaken for Scarlett Johansson. However, as soon as I washed it I looked like Beaker from the Muppets.

“The worst thing is, if I do get it looking right, strangers mistake me for someone much cooler than I actually am. They’re expecting Beyoncé and getting Ann Widdecombe.

“I’m going to grow it out and get a makeup consultation instead. Wearing bright red lipstick would instantly make me fascinating, right?”

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Spending day in dressing gown fine if you've paid £280 to be at a spa

FESTERING in a sweaty towelling gown all day is only acceptable if you have paid to do it at a luxury spa.

Experts have confirmed that spending a large amount of money to sit around shedding skin into a belted robe transforms it into an integral part of a wellness regime, instead of being merely lazy and disgusting.

Eleanor Shaw, who paid £280 to spend a day at a country hotel getting wet, then drying off in a robe while eating sandwiches and cake, said: “It’s worth every penny to be able to act like a total slob and call it ‘pampering’.

“It’s what I would have been doing at home anyway, except I can put this on Instagram without people thinking I’m having a breakdown.”

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Although relaxation is essential for health, there is still a stigma attached to being an idle bastard who leaves their bits hanging loose under towelling all day.

“Overpriced spa retreats have commodified being a slovenly layabout. It’s capitalism at its finest.”