THE government has announced that from today, an exception to lockdown and social distancing rules will be made for anyone seriously gagging for it.
Completion of an online form stating that you are so down to f**k that you are willing to risk your own health, or the health of others, will entitle holders to get out there and get a good solid seeing-to.
Health secretary Matt Hancock said: “The current situation is simply not sustainable. You can’t go for seven weeks without even a sniff.
“Let’s not forget, sex in this country suffers from already terrible inequality of outcomes. Many single people may not have had their oats for several months even before this pandemic. I cannot imagine their levels of horny.
“Singles are allowed to meet in public places to communicate their desires, as long as they stay two metres apart and do not disturb families taking their daily exercise. Then, once negotiations are concluded, they can go back to the chosen household and bone.
“Unhappily married people in sexless marriages will also be allowed to cheat on each other as they please. And that’s with the special dispensation of the prime minister.”
Single man Nathan Muir said: “This is fantastic news. Or it would be, if the government hadn’t neglected to put the form on the website because they’re f**king useless.”