Lockdown restrictions relaxed for anyone in desperate need of a shag

THE government has announced that from today, an exception to lockdown and social distancing rules will be made for anyone seriously gagging for it. 

Completion of an online form stating that you are so down to f**k that you are willing to risk your own health, or the health of others, will entitle holders to get out there and get a good solid seeing-to.

Health secretary Matt Hancock said: “The current situation is simply not sustainable. You can’t go for seven weeks without even a sniff.

“Let’s not forget, sex in this country suffers from already terrible inequality of outcomes. Many single people may not have had their oats for several months even before this pandemic. I cannot imagine their levels of horny.

“Singles are allowed to meet in public places to communicate their desires, as long as they stay two metres apart and do not disturb families taking their daily exercise. Then, once negotiations are concluded, they can go back to the chosen household and bone.

“Unhappily married people in sexless marriages will also be allowed to cheat on each other as they please. And that’s with the special dispensation of the prime minister.”

Single man Nathan Muir said: “This is fantastic news. Or it would be, if the government hadn’t neglected to put the form on the website because they’re f**king useless.”

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Five ways lockdown may exacerbate your natural Britishness

HALF the world is on lockdown, but only in these sceptre’d isles does it manifest like this. Which symptoms are you suffering from? 

Incredibly painful social interaction

Even before, a simple supermarket trip was riddled with apologies and excuse-mes. And with Brits now worried eye contact will spread the virus and desperately deferential to cashiers, wincing can continue for four hours after each trip outside.

Stilted neighbourliness

You’ve known your neighbours six years, after the initial sex-year détente, and exchanged no more than greetings. Now you’re leaving useful items on their doorsteps, waving every day, and getting genuine warmth from Thursday 8pm claps. May last years.

Craving exotic, spicy food

Stuck in a nightmare of bland and incompetently-made food, unrelieved by takeaways you’re afraid of and without an M&S Chicken Dhansak you grabbed at the station, life is unspeakably bland. You’re increasingly desperate for food redolent with fresh herbs and spices from the East, and are putting Piri Piri sauce on a mini pork pie.

Tea drinking at concerning levels

As the British immune response to crisis is to put the kettle on, experts warn that tea drinking may be up by 450 per cent, along with accompanying non-fancy biscuits because that’s what’s left in the cupboard.

Living life of quiet desperation

The British have been doing quiet desperation since at least the Tudors. The prevailing symptom is to be wretchedly unhappy within the house but, when asked how you are, to say brightly that everything is fine.