Londoner stunned to find all other Londoners also leaving London for weekend

A WOMAN who decided to get out of of the capital for Easter was stunned to find that every single other London resident had the same idea. 

Carolyn Ryan made the spontaneous decision to get out of the capital after hating it for months, but discovered in a six-mile M4 tailback that her idea may not have been as original as she had thought.

She said: “I thought all the other Londoners loved it. I thought I was different.

“But no, as it turns out all it takes is four consecutive days off work and the entire population of the city makes a desperate dash for green spaces and freedom. Simultaneously.

“It’s already a real change us all being crammed into nose-to-tail cars, alive with frustration and loathing for each other, unable to move and burning money, because usually we’re doing that vertically in our flats.”

Experts have confirmed that the population of London has diminished by exactly 100 per cent, with 100 per cent of those people intending to return to the city late on Monday evening.

Penge resident Emma Bradford said: “I completely forgot it was Easter until I went out into the deserted streets, not a soul in sight, a deer grazing on the green. Still a shithole.”

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Sourdough bread just normal bread that's been told about mindfulness

POSH sourdough bread is the same as normal bread but the baker has told it about aspirational lifestyle shit like mindfulness, it has been revealed.

The baking process is similar to bread for common people, except with the secret ingredient of the baker whispering to it about wanky lifestyle choices at the proving stage.

Baker Nathan Muir said: “The essential ingredients in a loaf are yeast, flour, water, salt and information about shit like underwater yoga, holidays in Stockholm and French bulldogs.

“Without the final addition it is just normal bread. Sure, you could ponce it up with basil and olives, but I prefer telling it about eco-friendly weekend breaks.”

Consumer Tom Logan has been buying sourdough because it comes in a brown paper bag like an American school child’s lunch, which he thinks is cool for some reason.

He said: “I had to change from my usual brand after the baker lost his voice and couldn’t give his bread its unmistakable taste of pretension.

“I was sceptical about trying a new bakery, but thankfully there was a sticker on the bag saying ‘This bread has been told about ride-sharing’.”