Losing scratchcard stared at for extra 20 seconds just in case

A LOSING Lotto scratchcard has been stared at for an additional 20 seconds on the chance that the buyer mistook £200 for £5,000 at first glance. 

Martin Bishop bought the Double Match scratchcard for £2 yesterday and, after uncovering eight non-matching numbers within 13 seconds, proceeded to check in case his eyes had failed to correctly recognise matching numbers.

He said: “That time I won £500 I didn’t have to check. I knew. Because two of the numbers were the same.

“But whenever I can’t immediately see matching symbols or a line or whatever, I always go back and make absolutely sure rather than throw a winning card away, like a fucking idiot.

“So far I’ve always confirmed my initial findings rather than overturning them, which only goes to show that it’s well worth doing.

“Then I mutter ‘fuck, that cost two quid’ before I go and buy another one.”

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Man in flat cap trying to be Peaky Blinders but ending up Last of the Summer Wine

A MAN who thinks his flat cap makes him resemble a stylish 1920s gangster actually resembles an elderly Yorkshireman in a gentle comedy, according to friends.

Stephen Malley claims to be only wearing the hat to keep his head warm, even though it rests lightly on top of his hair and does not cover his ears.

Friend Martin Bishop said: “Thing is, when Cillian Murphy’s in that hat, he exudes sexy menace like he’s about to smash someone’s face on a door.

“When Stephen wears it, he looks more like a pensioner from the Dales. The curmudgeonly one played by Brian Wilde, not the nice, gentle one played by Peter Sallis.

“I’d tell him, but then he might go back to wearing the pork pie hat he thought made him look like Mark from Take That.”