Lovely old lady likes to go to the park and feed vermin

A SWEET pensioner’s favourite hobby is to visit her local park and throw food to its diseased pests.

Mary Fisher, 72, enjoys knitting blankets and playing bridge with her friends from the bowls club, but admits nothing beats the thrill of disappearing into a swarm of rodents and birds with a massive bag of bread crumbs.

Passer-by Francesca Johnson said: “I can understand throwing the odd scrap to the ducks. That’s standard old lady behaviour. But this park doesn’t have a duck pond, and instead she’s nurturing its population of increasingly fat vermin.

“The pigeons are now so obese they can barely fly, and the squirrels are getting so big that dogs on walks are intimidated by them. It doesn’t help that she doesn’t tear up the bread anymore, she’s feeding them full slice after full slice.

“I swear she’s the only reason the council has put up those ‘do not feed the animals’ signs. Not that they make any difference. She’s there day in, day out, disrupting the food chain while grinning like a weirdo.”

Fisher said: “I also feed the foxes in my front garden. It makes my neighbours livid, but they can’t say anything because I’m a sweet little old lady. It’s f**king hilarious.”

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Pint of water sitting next to bed all night did nothing to stop hangover

AN UNTOUCHED glass of tap water has done nothing to take the edge off a man’s raging hangover.

Tom Logan has somehow woken up with a splitting headache and a nauseous feeling in his stomach, even though he poured himself a pint of water after he returned from the pub then forgot to drink it.

Logan said: “I don’t understand. I did everything right but the science has failed me. Surely even being in the vicinity of water should cancel out the eight lagers, four gin and tonics and three tequila slammers I necked last night?

“Instead here I am, shielding myself from low-intensity lighting and questioning every aspect of what I’m doing with my life while looking at a pint of water with those bubbles in it. Nothing about this picture adds up.

“This happens every time I go on an epic bender. I’m beginning to think the so-called ‘glass of water trick’ might be a load of pseudoscience bollocks like palm reading or the Myers-Briggs test.”

Logan’s girlfriend Nikki Hollis said: “I told Tom he actually has to drink the water, which gave him the dry heaves. But he’s promised next time he’ll try to have two or three sips before he blacks out.”