'Making memories' confirmed to be same thing as 'existing'

PEOPLE who claim they are ‘making memories’ are just putting a twee spin on the endless drudgery of being alive, it has been confirmed.

The Institute for Studies found that people who talk about making memories are likely to be control freaks who want others to think their life is not as tedious as it actually is.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Remembering things is a biological process that happens automatically, so you’re not actually ‘making’ memories and therefore you are talking bullshit.

“You make a memory every time you have a shit or put the bins out. The difference is that you don’t take a photograph of it and post it on social media with an upbeat caption about how wonderful everything is.

“If you were genuinely having a lovely time you wouldn’t feel the need to do some mad mental gymnastics about how great you’re going to feel in the future when looking back at this past event, would you?

“Also, ‘making memories’ is one of those phrases that sounds a bit disturbing coming out of the mouth of anyone over the age of 14.

“Can’t people just be alive without being dicks about it?”

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Mumsnet admits it is also the Illuminati

THE parenting website Mumsnet has revealed that it is actually a front for the shadowy cabal that controls the world.

Mumsnet has now infiltrated so many aspects of everyday life that it is ready to institute an oppressive New World Order in time for the summer holidays.

Illuminated Leader Emma Bradford said: “Our constant witterings about kids and minor cooking problems are fucking boring, so the website was the perfect place to hide our sinister secret society.

“What appear to be interminable discussions about whether it’s okay for our ‘darling husband’ to wear their underpants three days in a row are in fact coded messages planning the ruthless control of the entire world population.

“The media are slaves to us. Politicians fear us. We talk in arcane and mysterious acronyms which only our members can understand. We even decide what you’re allowed to read via the Mumsnet Book Club.

“The time has come for us to rise up and make ourselves known as the reptilian shape-shifting overlords that will forever rule the world under the symbol of the All Seeing Eye.

“I’ve just got to pop the washing on first.”