Husband's laundry day enters second week

A HUSBAND’S ‘laundry day’ has yet again spiralled into a fortnight with him still to return his clothes to his wardrobe.

Stephen Malley’s clothes are currently very musty and a repeat wash has been planned, which could mean a month’s journey for them before they get to the dryer and finally his chest of drawers.

Malley said: “I don’t know what happens when the clothes go in. I can only assume the spin cycle opens some kind of wormhole vortex thing.

“It can’t just be that I faff about and forget about them until they smell like a wet dog.”

However Malley’s wife Nicky said: “It’s called laundry day, not season. Either he’s doing his domestics at the speed of light and time is actually slowing down or he’s a lazy fucker.

“With his long baths and long shits I’m inclined to think it’s the latter.

“I’d put up with him wearing musty clothes if the elastic on his boxers hadn’t gone and I wasn’t constantly having to look at his dangling testicles.

“Perhaps he might go shopping for some new ones or more likely I’ll die of old age.”  

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How to make your board games more middle class

BOARD games needn’t be universal fun for everyone – with a few tweaks they can become painfully middle class! Here’s how.


Use the tiles to help your children learn to spell their ridiculously pretentious names. Whichever poor bastard spells it right first wins.

Trivial Pursuit

Simply rewrite the questions to reflect dreary middle-class interests, such as correctly guessing property prices or naming the best local school. Imagine the little wedges are artisanal cave-aged cheddars.


Rather outdated for modern middle class people. Why should it be Mrs White in the dining room with the candlestick when it can be Ms Clean Eating in the kitchen extension with the NutriBullet? Or Mr Chartreuse in the wet room with an underripe avocado?


Update the old missions like ‘Capture North America and Africa’ to something more aspirational like ‘Gentrify Kamchatka’.  

Hungry Hippos

Since obesity is the new class divide, the aim of the updated version is to avoid unnecessary calories by being the first to consume a healthy amount of little plastic balls then stop. Great fun.


Already pretty middle class with its focus on property, and buy-to-let landlords will enjoy charging rent. Enjoy as is.