Poor Tory councillors who have done nothing wrong to be unfairly punished by voters

INNOCENT Conservative councillors are set to be cruelly punished by electors meanly linking them with the actions of the Conservative government. 

Across Tory-voting areas of Britain, councillors who have done nothing but implement policies of unceasing austerity for almost a decade face losing their seats due to Brexit.

Councillor Joseph Turner of Dorset said: “Hey guys, I’m not the one who can’t get you Brexit. That’s your MP. I’m the one who closed all the libraries, remember?

“I’m as angry with Theresa May as you are, more so even, though I never actually voice it. But down here at local level there are bin collections to cut so I need to be re-elected.

“Don’t irrationally hit out at us, who’ve done nothing to harm some of you, because of them. We’re your wage-freezing friends.”

Voter Roy Hobbs, aged 67, said: “We’d have been out of the EU a whole joyful month if it wasn’t for those fat cats in the town hall. Who’s the furthest right party? I’m voting for them.”

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I should never have trusted a Gavin, says May

THERESA May has admitted the whole defence secretary sacking is her fault because she was foolish enough to trust a Gavin.

The prime minister violated the most important rule in politics, business or relationships because she was desperate for cabinet ministers, but it ended as it was always going to.

May said: “I thought this Gavin would be different. I was wrong.

“Everyone knows that the name Gavin is only bestowed upon those destined to disappoint us in life, as a warning to all they may encounter. It’s even horrible to say. It sounds like a small venomous snake.

“And no sooner had this particular Gavin wheedled his way into government than he began fucking up, culminating in a betrayal staggering for its sheer ineptitude. Staggering, unless you remember he is a Gavin.”

Psychologist Dr Helen Archer said: “There aren’t even any famous Gavins apart from that one who cheated on Charlotte Church, proving the rule.

“Get rid of a Gavin today. You’ll be glad you did.”