Man can't wait to bail out of New Year plans

A MAN has enthusiastically agreed to going out on New Year’s Eve despite knowing full well he will back out at the last minute.

Tom Logan, aged 29, has spent several weeks faking excitement at plans to do a pub crawl with friends, while simultaneously thinking up reasons why he cannot attend.

Logan said: “I’m buzzing about not seeing the New Year in. The build up is well under way. We’ve picked a route around the town centre, which I won’t be doing, and got tickets for a bar I won’t be in, for a countdown I’ll only hear on my TV.

“The lads will be on top form, full of quality banter and increasingly hilarious hijinks the more they drink. I can’t wait to not experience all that fun and laughter.

“I’ll give them a believable reason that they won’t be able to see through about why I’m not coming. Like a sinkhole has appeared in my garden or something. They’ll fall for that.”

Tom’s friend Stephen Malley said: “We know he’ll bottle out, but we enjoy taking the piss about it behind his back. F**k knows what we’d do if he ever actually turned up, the flaky, miserable fun sponge.”

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'Did you honestly imagine we'd want this?' say grandparents given school photo as present

A PAIR of grandparents have reacted with disbelief and anger upon being gifted a school photo of their grandchild, it has emerged.

Elderly couple Martin and Helen Bishop initially believed the awkward photo of their gurning grandson in a crumpled school uniform was a sick joke before the awful truth gradually dawned on them.

Granddad Martin said: “Seriously, is this it? A formal 12-by-15 snap of a little shit who eats all our biscuits? No. Not good enough. Try again, only much harder.

“We raised you, fed you, clothed you, provided you with free childcare, and this is how you repay us? With this insult? Hope you weren’t looking forward to inheriting our house and life savings because you’re getting written out of the will this evening.”

Nan Helen added: “Seeing your feckless sponge once a month is bad enough. What makes you think we’d want to see his gormless mug beaming away at us every day from the mantelpiece? He’s not even got his f**king eyes open.

“Here’s a clue for what to get us next year: rum. Let me write it down for you, I don’t want you to forget. Captain Morgan, one point five litre.”