Man covers every inch of toilet seat with p*ss

A MAN keeps managing to cover every single inch of the loo seat with p*ss, despite completing his potty training more than 39 years ago.

Julian Cook’s behaviour has baffled his partner Carolyn Ryan, who is unsure if he is just too lazy to put the seat up or is engaged in some sort of urine-based ‘project’. 

Ryan said: “I’m always wiping the seat. Is Julian just an inconsiderate pig or is something else going on? Maybe he can’t see all the yellow splashes. Is ‘p*ss blindness’ a thing?”

However Cook, 42, said: “Having a wee is like colouring in, or playing a computer game. My quest is to fill as much of that inviting white seat as possible. It’s a bit like Tetris.

“I actually think I might have magic wee because it always disappears right after I’ve done it. Well, after Carolyn goes in the bathroom. But same difference.”

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Dogs mark their territory by urinating on trees and bushes. Human males do the same on toilet seats and floors. 

“Women should take it as a compliment that their partner feels such a strong sense of belonging and commitment. But keep the Marigolds handy.”

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'Jeremy who?' says Labour in election tactics change

THE Labour party is drastically changing its election tactics by denying there is, or has ever been, any such thing as ‘Jeremy Corbyn’. 

A fortnight from polling day, Labour has confirmed that this ‘Corbyn’ their opponents keep talking about is nothing more than a viral horror story intended to scare people. 

A spokesman said: “These things get spread on social media. Slender Man. Killer clowns. Jeremy Corbyn. 

“We’re a serious political party and the nation’s only hope to stop Brexit. We’d never be run by some bristling 70s socialist who can’t even drive a car, let alone take the wheel of a country. 

“Our researchers have looked into it and apparently these stories are based on a Labour politician from 30 years ago called Michael Foot. They’ve changed the name and photoshopped in stock photos of an Inverness canal boat operator. 

“Foot was one of the least successful politicians of all time, so we’re hardly going to have someone like him in charge at such a crucial point. The whole thing’s obviously made up. 

“Who leads our party? We’re a collective. Vote for us. Please.”