Man deliberately having bad day so he can get pissed and have a takeaway tonight

A MAN is intentionally ruining his day in order to treat himself to takeaway food and booze this evening.

Wayne Hayes began the day by sleeping through his alarm clock, but instead of overcoming this minor hurdle decided to lean in because on bad days he rewards himself with Chinese food and six cans of premium European lager.

He said: “What a nightmare of a day. First I woke up late, then I cut myself shaving, wore an unironed shirt and took the absolute worst route to work with the most traffic.

“At the office I got told off for taking too many smoke breaks then dropped Annette’s favourite mug when I was washing up. She was furious. Then I broke my chair and locked up the whole system by forgetting my password.

“Even at lunch, I accidentally liked my ex’s bikini picture on Instagram and texted my mum with something that was very offhand so now she’s not speaking to me. What a bloody day. No way am I staying off the booze tonight.”

Hayes’s black mood at his misfortune is expected to lift when he visits the off-licence on his way home and then orders sweet and sour chicken with spring rolls from the Golden Dragon.

He is expected to close out his dream evening in front of the television with the classic trio of Family Guy repeats, a white chocolate Magnum and a wank.

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'Boris definitely didn't attend' today's line from a parade of lying f**ks

THE new lie told by all the lying f**kers enriching themselves in the name of government is ‘Boris was not there’. 

Matt Hancock, who is such a little bitch that he still defends the people who fired him for breaking the exact same rules they are breaking, today repeated that Boris definitely did not attend the Downing Street Christmas party so often that it is clearly untrue.

Joe Turner of Ludlow said: “So he didn’t attend? So in a fortnight we’ll have film of the portly bastard stuffing canapes with one fist and squeezing Allegra’s arse with the other? Lovely. Just in time for Christmas.

“For two weeks there’s definitely been no illegal party at which the rules were followed throughout, so we’re hardly confused by contradiction at this f**king stage.

“‘Boris wasn’t there’ will be bleated louder and louder by all the usual deceitful twats – Javid, Gove, Patel, Rishi will stay right out of it – until it’s definitively proven that Boris was there.

“At which point they’ll pivot to saying that the real people of Britain don’t care about trivial issues like not being able to get pissed with their mates at Christmas, and they’ll say that with a straight face too.”

He added: “Mind you, I do believe that no way was Boris there for the Secret Santa. He’s tighter than a gnat’s chuff.”