Man drawn to atheism mainly for the smugness

A MAN has found himself attracted to atheism because of the opportunities to be insufferably smug and patronising.

Although correct about the nonexistence of God, Nathan Muir’s main motivation is feeling superior about pointing out there is no bearded old man in the sky watching you all the time.

Muir said: “When I saw the opportunities to make fun of American bible-bashing idiots on YouTube, or lambast the Catholic church for being anti-gay while dressed in camp purple robes, my life was suddenly full of meaning.

“I felt much better – much better than other people.

“Arguably it’s a bit of a waste of time in Britain because not many people are all that religious. There’s my gran, but she mainly goes to church because Jesus looks kind and the vicar sometimes gives them biscuits.”

Muir is currently hoping to meet up with his family at Easter so he can lambast his ‘born again’ but not-very-intelligent cousin John at the dinner table.

Muir said: “Oh, the zingers I have lined up. ‘Had any prayers answered lately, John? Perhaps you weren’t kneeling properly?’

“My mission is to rid the world of the oppressive nonsense that is religion. But also score some cheap points against my superstitious peasant relatives.”

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The middle class guide to sexting in lockdown

ARE you trying to keep the romantic spark alive with Julian, Francesca or Oliver? Read our foolproof guide to sending a sexy but suitably middle class SMS message.

Take things slow

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Punctuation

Typing with one-hand can be tricky, but that’s no excuse to bring shame to the Queen’s English. If you’ve chosen your partner wisely, showing that you know how to correctly use a semicolon should be all that’s needed to send them into a frenzy, eg. ‘I want to suck: your fingers; your toes; and your ears.’

Fantasies

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Vocabulary

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Saucy pictures

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