Man feeling pretty damn successful after inheriting his parents' house

A MAN feels he has achieved more in life than most of his peers due to owning a home given to him by his parents.

Martin Bishop’s friends are either renting or, if they are lucky, have hefty mortgages, but he shrewdly timed his entry into the property market to coincide with his parents’ move to a care home.

Financial whiz Bishop said: “I’ve been studying the property market closely, plus my parents’ increasing inability to get up the stairs, and I’ve decided now is the right time to inherit.

“A lot of my friends didn’t think ahead and allowed their parents to downsize to a bungalow and blow the difference on well-deserved cruises. Not me. I’ve constantly reminded them that staying in a static caravan in Anglesey is the peak holiday experience, and foreign food would give them fatal diarrhoea.

“Yes, my shit job in a cafe means I could never afford my own house, but I cleverly put in the years of waiting for mum to become worryingly forgetful. With this sort of business acumen I expect they’ll want me on the panel of Dragons’ Den.”

Friend Nikki Hollis said: “Martin is a freeloader, a braggart and a general twat. But I’m desperate to get on the property ladder so I suppose I’ll have to marry him.”

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Hatred of 'woke' in inverse proportion to knowing what the f**k 'woke' means

THE people who get the most angry at things they believe are ‘woke’ are those who are the most ignorant as to what it means, it has emerged.

The term, which arose from African-American discourse to signify a greater awareness of racial prejudice and other social inequalities, has been seized on by idiots who think it means ‘anything I don’t like’.

Anti-woke campaigner Norman Steele said: “Just a decade ago, this country was great. You could laugh at the disabled. Cross dressing weirdos knew their place. And sketch shows were still just about able to get away with amusing blackface routines to which no one I know took offence.

“Then along came all this wokery, and we’re under the thumb of the likes of Kathy Burke, Gary Lineker, Marcus Rashford and all those other over-sensitive types who want to ruin my life by stopping me calling gay people ‘benders’.

“Is that what I think it means? Yeah, maybe. It means all sorts of things. Nationalising sausages, compulsory sex changes, ordinary British people banned from driving their cars to the corner shop, all television programmes illegal except late night Channel 4 filth.

“To be honest, it doesn’t really matter what it means as long as I can get puce-faced with rage about some stuff I’ve made up in my head.”