Och, ye cannae bury one wee body

WHIT’S the world coming to? When a former First Minister and a former SNP chief cannae bury one wee body in their ain garden?

There may no be an independent Scotland, but ma garden’s ma ain, ken? And if ma husband and I have been doing a bit a late-night digging, whit business is it of yours?

The English media are all ‘this is a disaster for the SNP’. And A’m ‘this is nothing to do with the SNP. A bad Deliveroo order is nothing to do with the SNP. It coming withoot sweet-n-soor ribs is not the SNP’s fault. Wheesht.’

Thit’s all thit happened. The pair of us are a wee bit stressed, we order Chinese, the guy’s cheeky on the phone when there’s no need and it arrives withoot the ribs. Pure liberty.

And aye, it’s ma husband skelps him the first blow. Fair takes the top of the Deliveroo lad’s heid off with the scraper we keep by the door. And A can see where the wind’s blowing so A join in and chibbed him, because A’ve some frustrations of ma ain from recent times.

He’s deid in seconds. He didnae suffer. It’s us who suffered with no Chinese and having to get the spade oot and dig a shallow grave. Fair ruined the night.

Now the polis are round and it’s all SNP finance scandal. It’s no the SNP. It’s no but a wee murder like you’d see on Taggart in the day. So och awa’ and dinnae talk pish.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Impossible for women to be bad at sex, men confirm gratefully

BEING bad at sex is not something women are capable of, legions of appreciative men have confirmed.

Responding to mountains of magazine articles filled with sex tips for women, males have weighed in to say that they couldn’t give a toss about techniques or skills, and are just thrilled to be shagging.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Women have long reported the many ways men can be bad in bed, and have inferred from that experience that there must be ways they too can disappoint. They are wrong.

“The female sexual experience is as much mental as physical, and requires the right headspace in order to have fun. However, our research has shown that male brains are simply playing the thought ‘Wow, I’m having sex, this is amazing, I’m having sex’ on a loop.

“As long as the women don’t tut, sigh or look visibly pissed off, men will be deeply impressed by, and verbosely complimentary of, their performance every time. So, women, keep doing exactly what you’re doing, even if it’s just lying there doing f**k all.”

Nikki Hollis said: “My boyfriend is so enthusiastic about having sex that it’s over in ten minutes and we can get back to watching The Mandalorian. What’s not to like?”