PARKING apps! Those silver canisters you see in gutters. Noisy hen parties! Here are the 16 minor annoyances which must add up to a Conservative landslide:
Baristas getting your name wrong: legislation will be introduced to outlaw errors in all traditional English names.
Wobbly tables: a new Table Leg Tsar will be appointed.
Lost pen: Sir Gavin Williamson will head a taskforce.
Films that aren’t as good as you remember them: only Rishi Sunak is willing to guarantee Avengers: Endgame stands up on a rewatch.
Waiting for hot taps to get warm: When Britain becomes an innovative technology centre, waits will go down to a single second.
Hogging the duvet: a spirit of fairness, enveloping the nation, will ensure fair, equitable and competitive duvet sharing.
Pebble beaches: phased out in favour of sandy beaches by 2028 unless you like them in which case they won’t be.
Yapping dogs: freedom from EU standards will reduced all yapping by 85 per cent, guaranteed, even at postmen.
Cyclists going left through red lights: Major legislation brought in to counter it.
Misplaced TV remotes: fines.
Forgetting the one thing that you went to the shops for: text messages from low-earth orbit satellite system.
Uneven paving stones that, when stepped on with one foot, splash the other foot: hotline manned personally by Lord Frost.
Too many kebab places: following consultation, reduced to reasonable number of kebab places.
Hangover after one drink: complete overhaul of NHS Trust system with possibility of private provision.
Hair in shower drain: Withdrawal from European Court of Human Rights.
Telephone call not returned by builder: judge-led independent inquiry.
