16 minor annoyances that mean you must vote Tory

PARKING apps! Those silver canisters you see in gutters. Noisy hen parties! Here are the 16 minor annoyances which must add up to a Conservative landslide:

Baristas getting your name wrong: legislation will be introduced to outlaw errors in all traditional English names.

Wobbly tables: a new Table Leg Tsar will be appointed.

Lost pen: Sir Gavin Williamson will head a taskforce.

Films that aren’t as good as you remember them: only Rishi Sunak is willing to guarantee Avengers: Endgame stands up on a rewatch.

Waiting for hot taps to get warm: When Britain becomes an innovative technology centre, waits will go down to a single second.

Hogging the duvet: a spirit of fairness, enveloping the nation, will ensure fair, equitable and competitive duvet sharing.

Pebble beaches: phased out in favour of sandy beaches by 2028 unless you like them in which case they won’t be.

Yapping dogs: freedom from EU standards will reduced all yapping by 85 per cent, guaranteed, even at postmen.

Cyclists going left through red lights: Major legislation brought in to counter it.

Misplaced TV remotes: fines.

Forgetting the one thing that you went to the shops for: text messages from low-earth orbit satellite system.

Uneven paving stones that, when stepped on with one foot, splash the other foot: hotline manned personally by Lord Frost.

Too many kebab places: following consultation, reduced to reasonable number of kebab places.

Hangover after one drink: complete overhaul of NHS Trust system with possibility of private provision.

Hair in shower drain: Withdrawal from European Court of Human Rights.

Telephone call not returned by builder: judge-led independent inquiry.

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The six real criteria for choosing a university, by every 18-year-old

DELUDED parents think a choice of university is based on the courses and quality of tuition. As if. These are the real reasons: 


University is a three-year party with wild roommates, crazy drugs and sex so casual you’re often unsure who it was with. Why else borrow 45 grand? So convince your parents a major city is educationally vital, because city centres have better clubs, early-evening discount hours and a Curry Mile.

Famous alumni

A valid reason for choosing your particular university is because famous people you admire went there. Royals and Nobel Laureates went to St. Andrew’s and Oxbridge, but you love Chaser Mark ‘The Beast’ Labbett and Katie Hopkins, so you pick Exeter and say it’s because of JK Rowling and Thom Yorke.

Fancying someone

There’s no better motivation for decisions that will guide your entire life than the desire to be near you fancy. Whether it’s a fellow sixth-former or brainy academic Alice Roberts, ignore the burden of student debt and the crushing disappointment of poor results, because it’ll all work out in the end. It did for Elle Woods in Legally Blonde so it will for you.

Distance from parents

If your parents haven’t worked out that you’re choosing the Sorbonne or the University of Patagonia to get as far away from them as possible, it only confirms you’re making the right decision. Having your life micro-managed from birth has filled you with wanderlust and driven you to minimise the possibility of interference. If only the University of Mars was accepting applications.


Choosing a university because that’s where your mates are going? Be careful. Within months they could become anarcho-communist vegan zealots and you’ve got no-one left to browse Primark with, and you can’t even lie to friends at home because they’ve told everyone you never leave your room and are nicknamed ‘Boo Radley’.


Access to state-of-the-art facilities is key. Does your university have an extensive library of ancient books? Cutting-edge sports science labs? And accourding to former students, are there enough dealers in town punting Bubblegum Kush and MDMA to spend three years stoned off your tits?