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Man gets into DIY just to wear tool belt and feel like Batman

A MAN’S tool purchases were made in the pretence of doing DIY when he really plans to wear a tool belt like Batman.

Stephen Malley thought it would be handy to have some useful items like a drill, a hammer and a piece of rope that looks a bit like a Bat-Lasso, along with a belt to keep them in.

Malley’s girlfriend Charlotte Phelps said: “Whatever bullshit reason he gave, he got a tool belt because he wants to look like the caped crusader.

“Sadly, he doesn’t resemble a muscular crime fighter with an intriguing dark side. He resembles a balding, 35 year-old IT consultant wearing a tool belt.

“He even wears it when there’s no DIY to be done. He just wanders around, occasionally reaching for his glue gun or throwing a spanner at the couch as if it’s one of those boomerang things Batman had.

“Plus, he’s shit at DIY. I don’t recall a scene in any of the films where Bruce Wayne is reduced to tears after spending three hours failing to put up a shelf.

“If he buys a cape I’m leaving him.”

Your parents' patronising guide to sorting out your finances

HELLO darling. We know you’ve been strapped for cash recently, what with losing your job due to Covid. But rather than give you some money, let’s explore all your avenues for sorting out your finances.

Sell your antiques on Facebook Marketplace

Your father and I were looking in the garage yesterday and you’ll never guess what we found – a pair of Georgian brass candlesticks! I bought them at a car boot sale in 1997 and apparently they’re worth £800. I put them online and Carolyn from number seven is coming round with the dosh. Do you have anything similar in your bedsit?

Take in a lodger

How much do you use your kitchenette? I’m only asking because your father and I have been toying with the idea of renting out your old bedroom to a lodger so that we can start saving for Costa Rica. If you’re struggling to make ends meet, why not take in a couple of backpackers and tell them to tent-up in the kitchen? It might also be a good way of finding a partner – we are ever so worried about you.

Become a doctor

I know you had your heart set on being a creative writer, darling, but maybe it’s time to consider spending 10 years retraining as a GP? The NHS really needs doctors at the moment and at least it will get you out of the house so you’re not cooped up all day. Also then maybe you can look at my knee because it’s been killing me for a couple of months now and I can’t get an appointment anywhere. 

Buy a house

Sometimes you have to spend to earn. Have you thought about putting down a deposit on a cheap little house somewhere? You’ve always dressed smartly and you’ve been to university so the bank’s bound to give you a mortgage. We bought ours for about £30,000 in 1979 – have they gone up much?

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