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Man nostalgic for softcore porn

A MAN is pining for the days of tastefully shot softcore porn that did not feature stepmoms or being stuck in washing machines.

Wistful masturbator Martin Bishop, 38, has grown weary of the gangbangs, JOI videos and sploshing pornography he has no choice but to wank over, and would rather look at teasing photos of women in bikinis instead.

He said: “My teenage self would be gobsmacked that I’m admitting this, but I’ve had my fill of watching people f**k. I guess with age comes an appreciation for the simpler things in life.

“Just as people have rediscovered the value of physical media, I think society should bring back the humble Page 3 calendar. Each picture of Samantha Fox or Linda Lusardi folding their arms over their tits will be a reminder of better times.

“We were too quick to move past photo shoots of women washing cars in their undies. Nothing in the vast repository of online porn can beat their eroticism. And I should know, I’ve done the exhausting research.

“Modern porn has its charms, but it relies on too many gimmicks. Angela White doesn’t need to do a bukkake session to get me going, she’s hot enough as is. I’ll still watch it, but I have my reservations.”

Bishop’s wife Emma said: “I agree. Awkwardly watching Baywatch with your parents was a character-building rite of passage. We tried settling down in front of Pornhub on the living room telly, but it’s just not the same.”

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A statue of yourself, and other tasteful Rooney decor you can have at home

THE Rooneys have shown off their mansion in a new documentary. But while you may not have their millions, you can recreate the most beautiful features in your own home. Here’s how:

A statue of yourself

Like the one of Wayne, this will be a real conversation piece and a lovely boost to your self-esteem. Might it come across as egotistical? Not a chance. It’s a design choice popular with countless perfectly normal people like Stalin, Mussolini and Saddam Hussein. 

Funny neon signs 

These are hilarious. The Rooneys have several, including one that says: ‘Welcome to the madhouse!’ It’s funny because it’s not really a secure mental institution, it’s their house, and it’s so original too. Another says ‘Eat Sleep Game Repeat’, although that might just be instructions to remind none-too-bright Wayne to not simply stand motionless all day.

Chandelier in the hallway

A chandelier will immediately establish for visitors that you are dead f**king posh and not common as shit. The Rooneys’ appears to be two or three metres in height, but if you’re unsure what size to get, use the simple rule of thumb: could it kill a horse?

Chandeliers everywhere

There’s no excuse for normal light fittings when you can have 18th Century grandeur instead. Install mini-chandeliers everywhere, including the shed, loft and downstairs toilet. Who doesn’t love to feel like Marie Antoinette when they’re taking a dump?

Make everything cream 

Cream is the classiest colour, so all rooms should be painted cream with cream carpets. All furniture and accessories such as cushions must also be cream. You can tell if your home is cream-coloured enough if more vibrant colours like orange give you a headache. Then ensure that everywhere is spotlessly clean and free of clutter for a vibe that is wonderfully bland, sterile and – above all – cream.

A split staircase 

Not really that practical to install in a semi, but worth it for the pointless grandiosity. And great for depressed dads whose dreams have been crushed by suburban family life, who can pretend for a wonderful but fleeting moment that they’re Al Pacino in Scarface.

Games room 

Every aspirational family has one of these, and a room just for your PlayStation, pool table, Wii and so on is both practical and fun. Kids will love it, and dads too, because aren’t all men just big kids at heart? Apart from when they shag prostitutes, obviously.

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