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Woman totally into platonic friendship

A WOMAN is thoroughly enjoying a relationship with a man where there is absolutely no chance of them ever having sex.

Lauren Hewitt and Jordan Gardner are always meeting for coffee and hanging out, something she values deeply because there is no pressure on them when sex is completely off the table.

Hewitt said: “I love being friends with Jordan. He’s so funny and cracks me up all the time, so I always seem really happy and interested when I’m with him. But it’s just because he’s funny, obviously.

“You know what’s interesting? My brother always used to make me laugh, so Jordan reminds me of him. I should introduce them. That would be amazing, like having two lovely, protective brothers. Naturally I’ve told Jordan this. 

“It’s not just the jokes, he’s a really thoughtful, perceptive guy. He’ll say things like ‘I bet people think we’re going out together’ and when you think about it I suppose they could make that mistake. I love talking about interesting hypothetical situations that could never happen.”

Hewitt has spoken so highly of Gardner that even her current ‘shag buddy’ Jack Browne is eager to meet him. 

Browne said: “Lauren even trusts Jordan enough to meet a ‘friend with benefits’ because she knows there’ll be no judgement there. It’s great they’ve got such a close friendship. They’re both so lucky.”

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How to react with dignity after your unusual sex request was denied

ASKED for something a bit kinky from your partner and been turned down? Here are some mature ways to react.

Nod thoughtfully

Do not immediately shout, ‘FINE!’ Instead nod slowly, as if they have just delivered a fascinating point at a conference. This makes you appear mature, reasonable and absolutely not like someone who spent three hours researching Japanese bondage ropes online.

Say ‘I just thought I’d ask’

It implies your request was casual. You didn’t spend six weeks working up the courage. You just happened to mention piss play as a way to get more use out of the shower. You might equally have asked if she fancied risotto earlier. Not with asparagus, obviously.

Pretend you’re relieved

‘Actually, I’m glad you said no’ allows you to sound as if you were conducting some sort of psychological experiment and were never particularly committed to 69-ing anyway. If challenged, say: ‘I suppose I wanted to know where your boundaries were.’ You’ll sound like some sort of sophisticated sexual connoisseur, or possibly that twat out of Fifty Shades of Grey.

Never mention it again

Especially not at 2am. And not after numerous glasses of wine. And absolutely not with the opening line: ‘Remember that sex thing you said you’d never do?’ They’ll remember, and oddly the passage of sixth months hasn’t changed their attitude to sexy Toy Story cosplay.

Respect the veto

A rule of bedroom negotiations is that ‘no’ means ‘no’, rather than ‘ask again regularly until they give in’. It’s totally unreasonable of them, but sometimes your partner’s boundaries do not exactly match your imagination. Channel the disappointment into something dignified, like bitterly staring out of the window for 20 minutes convincing yourself your ex would have been up for it.

Do not seek revenge

Your partner has rejected your desire for a spanking over the bins. This does not mean you should retaliate by sarcastically asking if the missionary position is ‘too adventurous now’. Nor should you tell them: ‘I’ll sign you up to be a nun, and not the hot, slutty kind.’

Delete the browser history

You asked, they answered, the relationship survived. But it still makes sense to pretend the idea came from something you happened to see on telly, and you weren’t specifically searching the internet for ‘wife sister threesome’. Delete the browser history and hope this all goes away before the family Christmas shindig.

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