Man purchases billboard to announce he has completed a chore

A MAN who has completed a domestic chore has purchased a 96-sheet advertising billboard in central Birmingham to tell the world. 

Stephen Malley, aged 36, took the recycling out last night and booked the space for six weeks after feeling his labours had not been adequately recognised.

He said: “I did good. I have contributed to the running of my household, and everyone needs to know.

“My wife said ‘well done’, but that’s hardly enough is it? For such a noble, selfless and heroic act? A little pat on the head for the labours of Hercules?

“So I got the elevated billboard by the M6 so tens of thousands of drivers will see me and know that I’m the guy who didn’t just lie on his arse but got up and did his duty. Not just one bin. Two bins, emptied and then wheeled all the way to the bottom of the drive.

“If I’d got the fawning adulation I deserve at home, maybe I’d have really got into this domestic chore stuff and emptied the dishwasher or something. But no. No gold star. No beer. Is it any wonder I had to reward myself with six hours of uninterruped telly?”

Wife Helen said: “He did do the bins. Then he climbed on top of them, sang We Are The Champions and gave an acceptance speech while I washed up and hoovered.”

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Five dead giveaway signs someone has just had a wank

IS your friend, colleague or spouse looking suspiciously as if they have briefly experienced bliss? Any of these signs could mean they have had a wank: 

Flushed face

A red face could mean any number of things. Anger, embarrassment, illness, spicy food, long-term alcohol abuse. But more often than not though it’s a sign of physical exertion, specifically a brisk hand shandy knocked out two minutes ago. For further proof, study their wrists for trembling from recent use.

Weird smell

Acts of self-love produce malodorous scent that do not instantly disperse. For men, a stale ammonia stench bringing to mind a rundown swimming pool. Women give themselves away by being rendolent of a harbourside on a summer’s day, or an electrical fault. Both try to cover their tracks with antiperspirant but they’re fooling nobody.

Covert fly check

There are many stages of a post-wank cleanup operation. Internet histories must be deleted. Tissues have to be disposed of. Shame must be dwelled on then repressed. Often the final, crucial step of zipping the flies is overlooked, prompting a clumsy fumble which others pretend not to see.

Happy expression

The majority of people are miserable all the time, and for good reason. The unusually chipper demeanour, cheerful whistling and spring in their step of the recent masturbator is obvious. Even lottery winners seem glum in comparison. They’ll revert to their characteristic bitterness in ten minutes.

Suspicious stain

Most stains are self explanatory. Sweat patches in the armpits, food stains on the chest, etcetera. What made those white stains around their crotch though? Yoghurt? Unlikely. An ultraviolet torch, easily available from Screwfix, will reveal the truth.