Monday, 8th March 2021

Man regrets building entire identity around moustache

A MAN has admitted he regrets building his entire identity around his large waxed moustache. 

Jack Browne of Bristol has an impressive moustache along with moustache-themed clothing, home decor, dinnerware and a host of moustache-grooming products, most of which are now largely redundant.

He said: “It’s really an impressive moustache. People used to say that to me. Now I say it to myself, in the mirror, trying to hold back tears.

“The thing is, having a physical attribute that people remark on was as good as a personality in the old world. In lockdown, it’s just a comedy Zoom filter that you can’t remove.

“My tins of Captain Fawcett’s Expedition Strength Moustache Wax sit unused, because what’s the point? But not bothering waxing means it’s all droopy and sad and gets Marmite on it.

“Moustaches probably won’t be in when lockdown ends. But if I shave it off, who even am I? I wouldn’t know who I was anymore.”

Girlfriend Hannah Tomlinson said: “He thinks he’s in the shit? I’ve got a f**king moustache tattooed on my index finger.”