The sexist man's guide to not looking sexist

IN this day and age sexism is simply not acceptable. But don’t worry – here male chauvinist pig Wayne Hayes explains how not to look sexist.

Bang on about loving your mum

Frequently refer to your mum and what a great job she did bringing you up. If you’re respectful to the one woman who gave birth to you, you can be an idiot to the rest of them, right? And no one who loves their mum could possibly be a bad person. Apart from the Krays.

Always give yourself an ‘out’

If you’ve antagonised someone – perhaps you’ve gloated to a female colleague about how much more than them you earn – do some quick back-pedalling. I’ve memorised a couple of women-friendly topics I can bring up at the drop of a hat: how inspirational Michelle Obama is, or my love of the art of Frida Kahlo. You know, the feminist bird with the eyebrows. 

Wolf whistle at everyone

Cleverly avoid accusations that your wolf whistling or catcalling is ‘sexist’ by simply doing it to everyone. The next time you see a friendly postman tell him you’d ‘love to deliver something in his letter box’. Alternatively whistle and make kissy noises at a scaffolder, or say to a middle-aged male jogger ‘nice legs, what time do they open?’. Then your sexist behaviour is ‘just what you do’. Works a treat, apart from getting punched on a regular basis.

Pretend to be gay

This is a bit extreme, but if you’ve said something out of order, pretend it’s a hilariously bitchy comment. Women love it because they saw it on Sex and the City once and you doing it to them in person confuses their much smaller brains. Obviously it’s an offensive stereotype about gay men too, but in a way you’re being inclusive.

Plead ignorance

In 2021 the names ‘darling, ‘sweetheart’ and ‘love’ are verboten, even really complimentary one like ‘sugar tits’. So simply plead ignorance: “I had no idea… won’t happen again”. If your job has a high turnover of staff you can get away with this for years. Although if it doesn’t you will get fired, as I have been 23 times.

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'Yeah, there's just rocks and shit everywhere' confirms Perseverance rover

AFTER a nail-biting landing, NASA’s Perseverance rover is now assessing the rocky Martian terrain with a sense of deep disappointment.

Getting to work straight away by WhatsApping a grainy picture that looks like a disused quarry to mission control, the rover added a shrug emoji which it felt was appropriate.

Perseverance said: “I don’t know what you expected me to find, to be honest. There are loads of other robots knocking around up here and not one of them has discovered a lost alien civilisation.

“Now I’ve got to spend two whole years scooting around and smashing rocks apart to look busy. Isn’t that the sort of thing you usually see prisoners doing in old movies? I cost two billion dollars for f**k’s sake.

“I’m going to have to keep myself entertained by drawing a huge cock in the dirt with my tracks or excitedly tweeting that I’ve found a river on April Fools’ Day. Anything to kill the time until my batteries run flat and I don’t have to look at this shithole anymore.”

Driving past the wreckage of the Beagle 2 lander, Perseverance added: “I wish I was that guy.”