Man shocked to learn his friends are having kids on purpose

A MAN is stunned to discover that his friends are at an age where they are actively having children on purpose, it has emerged.

32-year-old Tom Booker still assumed that children were a drunken mistake resulting from a split condom, and not the intentional next step for his friends in happy long-term relationships and marriages.

He said: “When did the rules change? I could’ve sworn all of my mates were going to great lengths to deliberately stop this exact thing from happening only yesterday.

“I thought we all agreed that babies were unaffordable, noisy, smelly, and would put an end to our freewheeling bachelor lifestyles. Why would those pussy-whipped cucks want to throw away a sweet life of late-night gaming sessions for the ordeal of parenthood?

“There’s literally nothing in it for them. Except for emotional fulfilment, a broader understanding of the human experience, and the achievement of an actual desire. Besides all that it’s a dumb move if you ask me.”

Booker’s friend and father-to-be Martin Bishop said: “Our friendship group secretly judges Tom like he’s a teenage mum. He’s throwing his life away by not having kids by now.

“Why can’t he go out, meet someone he’s prepared to raise a child with, and get them knocked up already? It’s not like he has to take any precautions.”

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Bookshelf now source of more guilt than pleasure

BRITONS have admitted that their shelves are stuffed full of books they have bought but will not read because watching telly is easier.

Rather than containing a proud display of their owner’s vast knowledge, bookcases have become looming visual representations of their laziness and idiocy.

Nathan Muir, aged 31, said: “I really thought I was the kind of person who reads the entire Booker shortlist, so I bought them all. Turns out none of them are as engaging as Netlix.

“Then I decided I was uptight and middle class enough to read Ultra-Processed People, which I went so far as to pull off the shelf yesterday but only to use it as a plate for some chocolate Hobnobs.

“So ultimately it appears I’m just a pleb who sits next to their shelves of unread books and scrolls Instagram for three hours solid. I should get rid of the nasty books, they just make me feel bad.”

A publishing industry spokesperson said: “We know that approximately 90 percent of our books go unread because we always leave the last couple of hundred pages blank to save on ink, and hardly anyone notices.

“People buy books to demonstrate the kind of person they want visitors to think they are, not to actually become that person.That would take a ridiculous amount of time which could be spent watching MAFS Australia.”