By Wayne Hayes, landlord of The Ten Bells, Lowestoft

I READ Keir Starmer is allowing pubs to open until 5am on Monday morning to show the England game. Am I extending my hours? Am I f**k. 

And not just because it’s Starmer’s idea, though that’s reason enough. It’s because I’m not playing nursemaid to a load of pissed-up dickheads who throw their pints whenever Harry Kane gets one chalked off by VAR.

Want more reasons? First of all, half of them won’t turn up. Everyone’s all ‘see you here tomorrow!’ on Saturday night then Sunday night can’t be arsed and stays home with a crate of Carling. I’m not paying bar staff double time to look a twat.

Second, they’ve not got the stamina. I know my drinkers. Even if they pace themselves they’ll be dozing off by half-12, and that’s before England start playing which given their games so far isn’t going to help.

Third? I mean, blame the altitude in advance and all that, but we’re hardly going to win, are we? And that’s not conducive to selling booze. They’ll still be sipping the same Stella they’ve bought at kick-off at full-time.

And what’s with this f**king 5am bollocks? The game’s over by 3am. What, everyone’s sticking around for two hours of post-match analysis after we’ve been knocked out, are we? With work in the morning?

No, I’ll be closing at half-ten as usual, as will everywhere else. Though my brother Graham’s keeping his open for the full whack and expecting brisk business, especially from 3am onwards. His pub’s in Glasgow.