Man trades two-bedroom West London flat for Huddersfield

A MAN has decided to sell his pricey London apartment and buy Huddersfield.

Marketing manager Tom Logan, 35, said the decision was a combination of tiring of the ‘rat race’ and feeling he would get more for his money with a Northern town.

Logan said: “I’ve enjoyed living in West Brompton but I’m at the stage in life where I’m looking to settle down and have a garden. Huddersfield came on the market and I thought, why not?

“I haggled on the price – seriously, guys, a two-bedroom London flat with a north-facing balcony above a betting shop doesn’t come cheap – but they saw sense and caved in.”

Logan is currently making plans to ‘do up’ Huddersfield, including installing a walk-in shower, but is undecided what to do with the 165,000 people who live there. 

He said: “I could evict everyone and pack them off to Dewsbury or Heckmondwike. I’d give them six weeks’ notice, naturally. 

“However, the idealist in me wants to preside over an authentic Northern theme town, with cobblestones, cloth-capped boys delivering bread, and housewives scrubbing their doorsteps as a brass band plays in the town square. 

“Alternatively, I could turn it into a massive car park and double my investment. I love the friendliness, the heritage and the scenery of the North, but people need to park their cars.”

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Boyfriend floating idea of threesome means the two-women-and-him kind

A MAN suggesting a threesome to his girlfriend obviously means the good type that caters to his sordid fantasies, he has explained.

James Bates came up with the idea of a threesome while studying numerous videos online in incognito mode, but is keen to specify it should be the sort with only one penis, which would be his.

He said: “It’s important to lay down some ground rules for this sort of thing. So let me be clear: four tits, two fannies, and one – let me repeat that because I can’t emphasise it enough – one knob. Singular.

“I’m not selfish though. They’d both be welcome to go to town on me while I give absolutely nothing back. It’ll basically be my usual lovemaking approach but with another woman there. 

“Maybe my stepsister. That’s what the internet has brainwashed me into thinking is normal.

“Two cocks would be a surplus. What could my other half possibly do with two dicks at the same time? Talk about clothes to one while giving a handjob to the other? Also just the idea of being within three metres of a man’s naked bottom makes me feel physically sick.”

Girlfriend Lucy Parry said: “Another woman? Sounds good to me. It’ll be nice to finally be with someone who knows their way around down there. James can wait in the car.”