Man uses mystic insight to convince wife they need new car

A MAN has convinced his wife that they need to upgrade their car with his automotive soothsayer abilities.

Nikki Hollis and her husband David are currently driving a 2015 Skoda Superb but have confirmed plans to trade it in for a brand new Land Rover Discovery they absolutely cannot afford.

Nikki Hollis said: “David instinctively feels something isn’t right, it’s been driving ‘funny’ apparently and he senses we could be in for a nasty repair bill.

“We took it to the mechanics and they said there was nothing wrong but David has insisted they’re just bastards waiting for it to break down.

“He then started shouting ‘the bloody Skoda carburettor is going to pack in I know it’ and angrily pointing at the unbeatable fuel efficiency details in the Discovery brochure.”

Hollis added: “We are no longer going on a family holiday because of David’s mystic gift.”

Woman confuses ‘feminism’ with ‘talking about herself a lot’

A WOMAN believes feminism is about endlessly discussing her problems from a vaguely female perspective.

Nikki Hollis thinks personal woes like not being able to buy a flat or meet the right guy on Tinder are feminist issues because they happen to her and she has a vagina.

Office temp Hollis, 25, said: “The main feminist issue for me is not being able to advance my career. There’s no way a man would find it difficult to get a highly paid job in TV.

“I’m also concerned no one’s helping young women like me get on the property ladder. Even my female friends’ eyes glaze over whenever I talk about it. That’s how ingrained the sexism is.

“Obviously I’m aware of other feminist issues like arranged marriage, but that doesn’t mean we should ignore problems like the extortionate cost of gym membership these days.

“Or unacceptable behaviour by men. Recently I went on a date with a guy who was really boring, which you wouldn’t expect from a software engineer. Us women deserve better than that.”

Friend Emma Bradford said: “She even said the price of cinema tickets was ‘excluding women from cultural life’. At that point I had to ignore female solidarity and tell her to shut the fuck up during Thor: Ragnarok.”