Man who got surround sound looking for new ways to piss money up the wall

A MAN who bought an expensive Bose surround sound system for his tiny living room is looking for new ways to spunk away his income.

Sales executive Nathan Muir feels he should fritter more cash after the top-of-the-range ‘kit’ failed to make any noticeable difference to his quality of life.

Muir said: “You can literally hear the sound all around you. Admittedly my old speakers did that and I mainly just listen to Ed Sheeran but it’s brilliantly expensive.

“I live in a semi so I can’t have it too loud but it’s ‘6.1 technology’ so it must be good. I’d hate to be some twat with ‘5.1’ or a total loser with ‘4.1’.

“However I’m a bit disappointed it hasn’t solved all my problems in life, like my lack of meaningful relationships. The obvious conclusion is that I didn’t spend enough money.

“I think my next purchase needs to be a stupidly large telly with a menu that’s harder to operate than a space shuttle.

“I’m also researching the most overpriced virtual reality headsets. Spending a huge amount of cash on something that useless will definitely mask the emptiness.”

Muir is currently placing an order for a £595 microwave kettle you can operate remotely with your phone for some reason.

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Things they're going to bollocks up in Star Wars: Episode IX

THE latest Star Wars trilogy has included some incredible bollocks like space Leia and tedious moralising. So what nonsense will be in the final instalment?

Jokes at really odd moments

Look out for the scene in which Poe Dameron asks General Hux “Are you a benny tied to a post?”. When Hux replies in the negative, Dameron delivers the devastating punchline: “Benny on the loose!”

Characters being illogical twats

Much of The Last Jedi hinged on people not telling each other important things for no good reason. Episode IX continues this theme with Leia deciding to join the Empire “for a laugh”.

Fucking around with the established universe for plot convenience

Watch with dismay as Rey and Finn decide they can’t escape in the Millennium Falcon because it hasn’t been in for its ‘space MOT’.

A horribly designed character

Who can forget Maz Kanata? No one, because her eyes looked like bumholes. Episode IX will feature Flimso Bampot, a Rebel pilot whose species suffers from constant noisy flatulence and looks like Jimmy Savile.

Obscure ‘Easter eggs’ for tragic fanboys

Are those Peter Cushing’s underpants from the deleted 1977 scene ‘Tarkin Does His Laundry’? AWESOME!!!

Adding a minor thing like it’s massively important

Much as the AT-AT walkers now have ‘shin guards’ to protect against harpoon cables, we will learn that stormtroopers have excellent pension schemes, which ‘explains’ why so many people are happy to serve the Empire.

Ruining a much-loved character

Obi-Wan returns as a Force ghost, but now he’s into dogging.