Man working in bong shop not a great advert for the product

A MAN working in a bong shop is an enormous obstacle to sales of the product and the acceptance of cannabis in general. 

Dreadlocked shop assistant Wayne Hayes, 24, looks like the worst kind of stereotypical hippy drop-out and provides slovenly customer service whether or not he is stoned.

Hayes said: “I love getting messed up so I’m the perfect person to sell this stuff. I’ve been hoofing bongs since I was 12. There’s no one better qualified for the job than me.

“It’s a pain having to work in the shop when I could be at home having a spliff, but I’m always promoting the product by mentioning how mashed I got at the weekend.”

Asked about his knowledge of the therapeutic use of cannabis, Hayes said: “I’m not a doctor but I’d say weed definitely prevents cancer. I mean, I’ve never got it.”

Customer Helen Archer said: “I read in the Guardian that cannabis could help with the menopause. I don’t want to smoke tobacco so I went to buy one of those water-pipes.

“When we got to the shop the fellow behind the counter appeared slightly dazed and was reading some sort of pornographic comic. I’ll be sticking with a glass of Rioja if this is what drugs do to you.”

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We'll have to clean our a*ses like cats after Brexit, experts warn

BRITISH citizens may have to learn to sit on the floor and lick their backsides with one leg in the air post-Brexit.

The Institute for Studies warned that any kind of Brexit deal, particularly no-deal, could result in periodic shortages of toilet roll and the need to learn cat anal hygiene.

This will mean adults and children getting used to finding a roomy space – such as the middle of the living room carpet – and using their tongue to keep their rear orifice clean.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “A bog paper crisis will mean Britons may face a challenge they did not anticipate when they voted back in 2016.

“We urge people to take up yoga, or other physical activities which will make you supple like a cat. Some loosening of the inhibitions around bottom-wiping in plain sight of other family members may also be necessary.”

Leading Brexiter and MP Mark Francois said: “There will be no shortages of anything. After Brexit every home in Britain will own at least one million rolls of bog paper each.

“However I will be cleaning my anus like a cat from now on, starting with my next defecation in 30 minutes’ time, to make another pointless gesture against the EU.”