Man's body now permanently adjusted to four-day weekends

AN OFFICE worker has, following Easter, shifted to a three-day week four-day weekend calendar and is unable to shift back. 

Tom Logan of Hitchin believes his biological clock has, after the Good Friday-Easter Monday stretch, reset to a schedule of four days pissing about per week in perpetuity.

He said: “When Will tried to put a Friday meeting in the diary, the room span. I greyed out. My colleagues could only revive me by saying that of course I’d be in my pants playing Xbox by then, because it’s the weekend.

“I can’t accept anything less. It’s like jet lag; my body’s simply physically unable to keep to the working week as was, that our ancestors followed, that is impractical today. I must listen to my body. We all must.

“Will suggested I go part-time, but he’s missed the point. This is the new full-time. At a cellular level, I need my weekends to be twice as long, but still getting all of that money.”

Employment lawyer Helen Archer said: “We’re seeing cases of this everywhere. Ordinary workers whose biorhythms mean they cannot be arsed to work more than three days in a row.

“There’s no cure. With the Jubilee weekend coming, it’s only set to get worse.”

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Bisexual friend doesn't fancy you

YOUR bisexual best mate does not fancy you even though they could, you have been surprised to learn. 

Your mate, who is open to dating any gender, has nonetheless explained that they are not open to any romantic or sexual involvement with you, which you have taken badly.

Lucy Parry, aged 19, said: “I am so cool with Sophie being bisexual. Like completely 100 per cent chill. Until I said ‘ha ha, do you fancy me?’ and she said ‘no’.

“How can she have the audacity? Not that I would because I’m straight and I’ve got a boyfriend, but come on. She might at least try to get off with me.

“It’s causing me to question the whole basis of our friendship. Feeling like she always secretly fancied me made it all worthwhile and now I’m like wait, was I the ugly mate all this time?

“Anyway she’s in a relationship with a man at the moment which for me calls this whole bisexual business into question. And explains this whole weird unconvincing ‘don’t-fancy-you’ thing.”

Sophie Rodriguez said: “No, I don’t fancy Lucy. We’ve been best friends since we were five, it’d be weird. Anyway she’s got a flat nose.”