UK in constitutional crisis as man says Meghan prettier than Kate

BRITAIN is facing an unprecedented constitutional crisis after a Warwickshire man admitted finding Meghan more attractive than the future Queen. 

The entire future of the monarchy is at risk after Nathan Muir said, in earshot of an entire pub, that Kate did not look like much of a goer but her sister-in-law was ‘well fit’.

All official business has been suspended while government and Palace officials meet to attempt to chart a way through the greatest crisis the country has faced since the abdication of Edward VIII.

An insider said: “How? After two years reviling those rotten Sussexes, two years of non-stop front pages about Kate’s dazzling, ageless beauty? How could he have got it so wrong?

“The man in question has been arrested and is under torture right now, but all that’s so far elicited is that he saw her ‘at that Invicious Games and thought ‘I would smash that’.

“If word of this spreads, the monarchy will topple. Meghan is a bitter, exiled old witch. Kate is the fairest of them all and will rightly become Queen. It’s the very basis of British law. Anything else is unthinkable.”

Attempting to clarify, Muir said: “No, but it’s just, like, if you didn’t know you’d definitely go Meghan, right? I mean Harry did, and he’s a war hero.”

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Only Connect, QI and four other TV shows for people who think they're better than you

JUST settling down for Celebrity Ex on the Beach when the smart-arse smuggo you live with flicks one of these wanky shows on?

Only Connect

Victoria Coren-Mitchell’s simpering geek-fest was born when one TV exec said to another, ‘People love getting questions right when watching quiz shows, so what if we made that f**king impossible?’ Anyone who claims to ‘enjoy the challenge’ can shove some Twisted Flax up their Eye of Horus.


For almost twenty years, QI has been the steadfast companion of pub factoid lovers, correcters of technicalities and nerdy boyfriends who laugh superciliously at their partner’s ignorance. Oh, so ostriches don’t actually stick their heads in sand? Well first that’s made the world less fun, and second who gives a shit?

University Challenge

It’s a f**king stitch-up that gives Oxbridge colleges a clear advantage, cementing the class disparity and condemning the poor to stunted half-lives, and that’s not the worst thing about it. It’s the questions about ridiculous bollocks nobody’s life is enriched for knowing. That’s what’s worst.


Imagine the Gestapo but if they asked you about the life and music of Britney Spears. Superior twats love to imagine themselves storming their specialist subject round, which would be along the lines of ‘Pokemon cards I owned when I was 14’.


Half the jokes in Frasier are references to shit that only the intelligentsia of the 90s – those who preferred Pulp to Oasis – and anyone with a working internet connection would know about today. Watch them chuckle extra-knowlingly at gags involving opera, Jungian therapy, or sports-loving morons.

Richard Osman’s House of Games

The towering, bespectacled hero of the self-satisfied middle-classes who believe they too could write a top crime thriller if they only tried helms a new show that cuts out those of us who only managed Pointless because of a knowledge of 80s snooker players. He can f**k off with his brainteasers.