Rwanda plan is pretty Old Testament to be fair, Archbishop told

SHIPPING asylum seekers to Rwanda sounds just like God’s antics in the first half of the Bible, believers have told the Archbishop of Canterbury. 

The Most Reverend Justin Welby pronounced the government’s plan to deport all asylum seekers to Rwanda against the judgement of God before being reminded that before He had a son God was involved in some pretty messed-up stuff.

Martin Bishop, a practicing Christian, said: “I agree, the Rwanda plan is f**ked up and inhuman. But ungodly? The big man upstairs once turned a woman into a pillar of salt because she looked back at a city he was destroying.

“Then there was the time He flooded the entire planet instead of fixing its corruption. I could see the government signing off on that policy.

“He unleashed ten plagues on Egypt because the Pharaoh refused to set the Israelites free. Half a dozen plagues would be overkill. Ten? That’s taking the piss.

“Following which the Israelites, who are supposedly God’s favourites, wandered the desert for 40 years. Which is the Tory asylum-seeker plan in a nutshell.”

Home secretary Priti Patel said: “Sounds great, I’d love to read it. But whenever I touch a Bible my hand bursts into flames and I howl to my dark Master. It’s weird.”

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Five ways to get a teenager out of bed before noon

EASTER holidays making mornings a distant memory for your torpid teenager? Try these ways of raising them from their pit: 

Embarrass them

Teenagers can’t hear a word you say but can sense you answering the door in Crocs to their mate from 3.4 miles away. Even unconscious, so go crazy. Start doing all the stuff they found hilarious when they were five: silly voices, funny faces, songs about Billy the Funtime Frog. They’ll be out of bed suffering an all-body vertical cringe in seconds.

Film them

Go in close for footage of their sweaty morning face pressed up against their beloved childhood teddy bear which can be uploaded to TikTok. An adolescent’s psychological state is notoriously delicate, but what’s the threat of a little online humiliation between family members who are about to be late for brunch?

Lie to them

You’ve taught them the importance of honesty so it’s past time to show you were lying. Eject them from bed before sundown by claiming the hottest YouTuber, or Twitch streamer or whatever bullshit, is in the kitchen naked. Their rampant hormones should get them moving before their head butts in and starts asking questions.

Get in with them

Words from parents are as ineffective against teenagers as acne medication. You need to act. Can’t physically lift the massive bastard? Simply slip into the bed alongside them and watch them leap out quicker than a cat from a garden pond. Or flinging a younger sibling under the covers is a great way of sidestepping blame/injury yourself.

Don’t f**king bother 

Do you really need to face seeing your teenager awake today? Are you short of withering looks, disparaging remarks, volatile mood swings and requests for money? Let them rot. It’s nature’s way of making up for all those sleepless nights when they were babies. Put off dealing with them until mid-afternoon and eat all their Easter eggs.