Britain can only remember seven Tory scandals at any one time

THE UK has realised that it can only hold seven ongoing Tory scandals in its mind at once, so is forgetting at least another seven. 

Voters who can remember Partygate have forgotten about PPE fraud, or those who recall Rishi Sunak’s green card can no longer sum up what this Rwanda thing is.

A Downing Street spokesman said: “Your short-term memory is limited. Our capacity for scandal is infinite.

“Just this weekend, when a Tory defended another Tory who’s been convicted of child abuse, you completely forgot about a KGB agent’s son joining the House of Lords.

“That despicable prick Andrew Bridgen lied under oath? Whoops, you’ve got no recollection of why fuel prices are so high. It just seems normal to you. You’re still too f**ked off about Sir Gavin f**king Williamson. See?

“Next week Priti Patel runs over a swan, Jacob Rees-Mogg claims to be the risen Christ, and Russia releases footage of Boris chopping lines with Rishi in Putin’s Swiss dacha. You’ll be like ‘inflation? Whassat?’”

Red Wall voter Ryan Whittaker said: “It is true that I’ve forgotten more Tory scandals than I remember. But it is fixed in my mind that I hate the twats.”

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Five real reasons to turn down a wedding invite versus what you'll actually say

BEEN invited to a wedding? These are the honest reasons you cannot be bothered to go versus what you will actually say.

‘I don’t want to spend all that money’

What with travelling to the venue, staying the night and buying a present, wedding guests end up paying a high price for a party that could end in divorce. Some lifelong friends and their disappointing spouses-to-be just aren’t worth the expense, but you’ll actually tell them: ‘My other old school friend (who definitely exists) is getting married that exact same day!’

‘I can’t be arsed’

Sometimes you just don’t care for the married couple enough. Are they worth the faff of wedging your belly into uncomfortable clothes for? Or spending the day feeling hungry while trying to intercept canapés, and the evening feeling resentful when you find out it’s a pay bar? No. Say you’ve got a family emergency that day.

‘I won’t know anyone there’

Going to a wedding where you only know the happy couple means spending the dinner with two strangers’ backs turned towards you as they talk to people they already know. In fact your only chance of human interaction is awkwardly dancing on the fringes of pre-established friendship groups. Tell the bride and groom you are scheduled to be ill that weekend.

‘I’m single and I can’t f**king face it’

Going to a wedding single means you’ll be seated next to the only other single person. This is usually some distant family member the hosts felt obliged to invite even though they’re super f**king weird. Add to that the sight of the smug happy couple making speeches about how much they love each other and just say you’ve gone insane.

‘I still love you’

How dare your ex marry somebody else and be a big enough person to invite you along? F**k them with their kind heart and happy new relationship. Whatever you do, don’t tell them how you feel. Instead do the responsible thing and say you’ll be away the week of the wedding on a yacht with your new billionaire boyfriend.