Man contemplates suffering of Jesus Christ while eating Creme Egg

A MAN is reflecting on the death and resurrection of the son of God by eating a Creme Egg, it has emerged.

As Easter gets underway, Roy Hobbs is taking a moment to dutifully remember the brutal crucifixion of Jesus Christ by biting into a popular egg-shaped chocolate filled with white and yellow fondant.

He said: “A lot of people forget that Easter is partly about how Jesus was persecuted and put to death for being a prophet. It’s a pretty important event in the Christian calendar which deserves to be treated with respect.

“That’s why I always take a moment to think about the sacrifice of our Lord as I indulge in a mouthful of sweet, sugary Creme Egg goodness. By following his example I don’t get drawn in by the commercialised temptations of the Easter holidays.

“And let’s not forget that on the third day Jesus rose again. Which is almost as miraculous as the syrupy centre of this delicious Cadbury’s treat. It’s a shame he died thousands of years before they hit the shelves, really.”

Reaching for the next Creme Egg in his huge stockpile, Hobbs added: “They make them with white chocolate now as well, you know. Jesus would’ve f**king loved that.”

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Huggers, leg tappers and other bastards who invade your personal space

SOCIAL distancing is long gone, meaning your personal space is wide open. Watch out for these people who will invade it.

The hugger

This is a terrifyingly broad spectrum. If your auntie’s a hugger, brace yourself for a hug, a cheek pinch, and maybe even a hand squeeze. Meanwhile male relatives will throw in a hearty backslap after awkwardly wrapping their arms around you. Even old colleagues will hug you out of a sense of obligation, because that is what society has become.

The leg tapper

Another example of close quarters contact favoured by the elderly. Find out if your nan is a leg tapper by popping round for a visit then ignoring her rambling anecdotes. If you feel a sensation like a weak woodpecker hitting your leg then you’ll need to give her a wide berth. She might be old but she can still pester you with the vigour of a woman half her age.

The cheek kisser

We are not in France, therefore there is no reason to peck someone on the cheek when saying hello. And after years of wearing masks and maintaining a distance, the idea of getting kissed on the side of your face is both erotic and terrifying. Stick to a tip of the hat or a firm handshake, or better still ignore one another altogether.

The computer hoverer

Office workers have slipped back into their old habits, meaning they’ll find any excuse to put their arm around the back of your chair and lean right in. Don’t let them get too close or they’ll see that email to HR where you bitch about their lack of personal boundaries. You didn’t get this shit working from home.

The too-close-for-comfort queuer

This nation has a proud history of being excellent queuers, which people are putting at risk by standing far too close to you. What are they hoping to see? There’s nothing worth looking at on the back of your head, let alone the front. Re-establish some personal space by coughing without covering your mouth or letting off a tactical fart.