Massive gold nugget to be made into tawdry crap

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

How to casually know who Sydney Sweeney is without being a perv or anything: A guide for men

DO you want to know who Sydney Sweeney is for reasons besides the two obvious ones? Now you can chat about her non-pervily, thanks to this guide.

She’s in that Madame Web film

You know, that Spider-Man film which isn’t a proper Spider-Man film. The one that’s flopped and even female lead Dakota Johnson obviously hates. Yeah, Sydney is a superhero in that for a few seconds. They cut her doing sexy aerial acrobatics in a skintight outfit like in that advert you’ve watched a lot of times though. So don’t bother buying a cinema ticket.

Didn’t she host or was on SNL or something?

As a sophisticated man with broad and refined cultural tastes, you like to keep abreast of what’s going on across the pond. And yes, this sometimes includes dipping into the odd episode of Saturday Night Live. That’s how you’re vaguely aware that Sydney Sweeney starred in a sketch as a Hooters waitress, but you were really watching it for the alternative comedy stylings of Sarah Squirm.

Obviously she was in Euphoria and White Lotus too

Who could forget Euphoria and White Lotus? They were great shows you absolutely watched and enjoyed. Sydney Sweeney was in both of them and they helped propel her to fame. No need to bore everyone with specifics about either programme, you might spoil them for your friends who haven’t got round to them yet. Best to move quickly on.

She’s engaged to producer Jonathan Davino

You’re usually uninterested in the private lives of celebrities. But as a huge fan of Jonathan Davino, the man who of course famously produced iconic films like The Caretaker and The Players Table, this morsel of Hollywood gossip caught your attention. You definitely didn’t feel bereft after scrolling down to Sydney’s personal life section on Wikipedia to see if she was ‘available’.

Er… she features in the Mail sidebar of shame sometimes?

At least you think she does. You can’t be certain because you’re trying to read important, proper articles about Gaza and Ukraine, but the Mail Online sidebar of shame dances in your peripheral vision like an eye floater. If you’ve somehow learnt that Sydney Sweeney recently squeezed her huge naturals into a little black dress for a night out in NYC, it’s purely by osmosis.